80/20

I think I need some space

I think I need some time to reconsider the love I have for myself

I think I need to reconsider my love and imagine what it would be like if I replaced the love for myself with love for you and love for love and hope in love and actually believing that I can love something other than myself.

And actually believing in something other than my own two feet on this journey.

And actually taking another journey besides my own, and actually going anywhere other than where I want to venture.

And actually listening to something other than seashells and bird calls for me to travel onward.

And actually beginning something without complete and utter faith it will work out.

And it works out just fine.

And I’ll be just fine I just need some time

I just need to reconsider the time I give to myself and divide it up into little bits of time for you and I

I need to give my time to you and I need to give my love to you

I need to give up holding onto this love like a dog with a bone that thinks it will never get another bone again

I need to stop thinking if I die tomorrow at least I learned to love myself at least I made plans for myself at least I made plans

At least for one second I made eye contact with another human being that I claimed to love but never showed it because I had fear that he would dump my love into the river and it would pollute the oceans and murder thousands of innocent sea lives.

One innocent life on land I have managed to ruin because I never gave enough of myself for it to grow

I wanted to water you with whatever was left over after my tongue drowned and I felt hydrated enough to run five marathons while you stood on the side and watched me.

You stood on the side and watched me and cheered me on and I just thought to myself- I have never seen a smile look so artificial even in all of this natural light why am I the only thing glowing in this natural light

Why do we stand in this mirror together but I can only see myself and your skin looks blue from all the life I sucked out of you

And I look so sun kissed and happy and proud of all the places I have been recently and all the wonderful acts of kindness I am bringing into the world but I have given too much I have given my bones there is nothing left to give you

I have nothing left to give but this fleshy outer core

You can have the remains of this apple I bit into fifty times and hated the taste every time you can have whatever is left at the bottom of the bag you can have whatever I don’t need to keep running my motor you can have my extra batteries you can have my extra seat in the car but you can’t have my seat you can’t drive you never learned no one ever taught you to be a man on your own that’s why you need everything I have left over that’s why you dig through my trash just to survive and I look away but let it happen every time

It’s good to know that someone puts to use what I don’t need to survive it’s good to know that you don’t need my consent to love me you can just love me and I will tell you when to stop I will tell you when I am getting close and you can let the rest of your love create a steady stream that flows into the river all day long and poisons the frogs

You poisoned the frogs and you didn’t even ask me if I wanted to help you

You didn’t even ask me if I had ever poisoned a frog I think you figure since I am so full of venom I must have only ever poisoned one man and that man is you

I think you figured me out by week two and you realized I would either be the best thing that ever happened to you or the worst but either way at least I will change you at least I will get you off of your lazy ass and have you do something for once at least I made you care about someone else’s life but your own at least you cared about me even if I never cared for you the same way or the same amount back

At least you had an outlet for all of your pent up anger and resentment not towards me but towards your other sins and the other sirens that lured you in with their majestic hair that just barely covered their private parts

At least I let you see me and I allowed your eyes to worship my body like I was an ancient greek statue of a mermaid that washed ashore

At least we swam at least we were able to drink our own poison in big gulps at least we were able to drink the poison and get a little bit of water in our ears at least I cleared my throat one last time before the last time

At least we kissed in the metaphorical not literal rain at least we went on a few adventures at least people gave us double takes every day because our skin tones are on opposite ends of the spectrum

Maybe these walls have been closing in the whole time.

Maybe I have done this on purpose maybe I locked the door so you couldn’t escape and I made sure this home was built with the intention to kill with the intention that nobody makes it out alive maybe I told you in love nobody makes it out alive so just accept your fate and kiss me dear kiss me until the lights go out and all the bodies sing their praise for our lives for my life and all of the wonderful magnificent things I did for the human race and how we never ran a race together but if we did you would have crossed the finish line first

And I would have stopped halfway through to save the frogs from our poison

And you would have looked back and seen me encompassed in this noble task and realized god was with me that day on that race track and all the eyes were watching me with complete and utter love and adoration and you realized I was better off without another cup to fill that I had given too much of myself to give to you.

And you looked back one last time and kept running.

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