Here’s to together, and here’s to apart

You are alive in me.

You are alive like a sparrow in the trees

Leaving me alone and taking all of my fertility for yourself

I cannot see the cypresses from here

I can only see your deep brown eyes

I can only see your chocolate skin

And imagine baking pies with your sugar

I can only imagine what real love feels like

I can only begin to suspect you have a natural inclination

To love me, and to love all things.

To love all things, without me.

I love all things

I stretch my arms and legs as far as they can go

And I have limbs in both hemispheres

You have limbs in both hemispheres

You begin to span the universe and galaxy ways

But I tell you to stop.

I drown in your eyes like you said you could in mine

I drown in your eyes and your smooth talk and your sweet skin

But when my teeth sink into your flesh it’s only bitter

It’s nothing like I imagined nothing is like I imagined

Nothing is like the world I was promised growing up

I drew a picture of the world and nothing was accurate

Not a single thing was accurate- I had no idea what I was doing

I dove into geography like I did this love

Instead of making a whole cake

I made a slice and thought we could split it

I thought we could split this love

I thought the earth was big enough for four footprints

I laughed at the notion of ever returning

I thought we could split this love into two even halves

I split this love I am responsible for the splinters

I am responsible for the crushing of this love

I am responsible for this I am responsible for the imprint my body makes on your bed

I am responsible for these stained sheets

I brought you here and offered you life

I offered you love

I gave you nothing more

Your stomach was empty and it always has been

You have always been empty

And I have never been able to open my mouth

And make noises when I need to

I have never been able to shake this guilt

I have never filled you up

All I ever did was remind you how you resent loneliness

And you cry when our palms unite

I cry when your hand leaves mine

I cry when you escape and I know you’ve been wanting to for a long while

I cry as you breathe in and out in and out faster and faster

And I feel every single heartbeat of yours and I know why it’s fast

And I brought this for you, please take it so your heartbeat slows

I don’t want to lose this flower

My plant is finally starting to flower

I don’t want it to burst before it becomes something beautiful

I don’t want to ruin it with my eyes

I don’t want to cut my tongue when I try to kiss its daggers

I don’t want to be tempted to harm myself on this plant

I don’t want life from this vegetation I have lived my whole life in isolation and you think I will stop now?

Do you think now is a good time to cut the rope?

Do you think I can drop you down this mountain and your eyes won’t shut forever?

Do you think you could open your eyes one more time

Just one more time

One more time for me

Let me know that you were once a living breathing organism

You have windows on your face and they are so reflective I can see myself

I can see myself and I hate it because I look like a disaster

I look like I came to seek revenge for all the hope you filled me with

For those wicked seeds you made me plant

You made me garden because you thought I believed in growth over sustenance

You thought I was okay with starving for a few months

You thought I could survive off of your nutrients

You thought sucking you through a straw was everything but a bitter delusion

You never saw the truth you never saw anything but your own round flat nose that mushes against my face

You never felt anything but a fierce grip you never gripped anything but my daggers

You never hid them from me you kept everything in plain sight

You wanted me to know if one of us dies it’s only our own damn fault

It’s only your own damn fault no one told you to climb Mount Everest

No one told you to become anything but ordinary

You rented these cemetery plots you knew we would die you knew I was dying

At a faster rate than the slow rate of everyone else

You thought I was dying and you were right

You thought I was dying because I kept losing my hair and sleep because every time I tried to close my eyes all I could see was your face lost in mine looking to me for guidance like a map of the world but the only continent I ever truly understood was myself. I made a key so you could navigate my poles more easily but you couldn’t read. You couldn’t read because your mama never taught you and my mama taught me way too much about this house and not enough about this world. And not enough about love and what to do when your lover is a panther and you feel estranged while making love. And you feel like you need another soft body next to yours and you feel like this might not be the body you need you might just need two of you. You might just need two of you you might just need to work on yourself for a while and come back to this place and kiss your memories and laugh infinitely and laugh and cry and never stop laughing because the hearts of two lovers don’t stop beating.

Once they establish the same rhythm they don’t stop beating they don’t stop beating they never stop beating

They only open one of their eyes every once in a while to make sure the other one is still breathing they only open their arms out wide so they can make love to the clouds and fall asleep happy and dead and happy and alive and never wake up because we are stuck in this dream together we are stuck in this dream and I’m not sure I ever want to get out if it means I have to spend less time loving myself and worshipping the body god gave me and realizing my soul was intricately and lovingly made for me and it fits me like a warm winter sweater it fits me like the ocean around the world I fit myself but I don’t know if I fit you

I don’t know if I’m ready for this but you are always ready

So I bury my head and bow to the both of us I bow to the both of me

In our love there are two of me and none of you and I resent the pain I will cause us but for now let’s savor our independence

Let’s savor everything about love we ever hated.

Let’s savor everything the galaxies have left behind for us that we can use to build a fort against the others and the screaming, crawling world that always seems to wait on our heels to pounce.

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