How blessed I am, I cannot begin to comprehend

My life outstretched in front of me, I decided to extend my arms longer although I thought my arms had made up their mind. No farther.

I hijacked my body for hundreds of miles, although each fiber conspired to remain.

I lost everything that ever meant anything to me and found my meaning in having none of it.

I laughed at how painful it was to keep moving, and moving, and abandoning the world I had claimed previously.

Realizing, the world is not mine to claim.

I am simply its pawn.

It has claimed me and assigned me to this mission.

So if you love me, let me go far-

Let me go tell the others the heaven that awaits them

When they take that next step, and

Grasp their chance at living.

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finding my words // keeping them safe

I never ever ever want children. // I would have your children.

Thank you for humanely removing bugs from my room. // he called it “his room.”

He mentioned our honeymoon. // how many times can we talk about the future until it is upon us?

Pain is leaving your side. // strength is allowing myself to break each time.

I’m not vulnerable. // I cried during sex. // tears of joy // when will you show me your tears?

You called it the best day of your life. // all I did was come home.

I apologize for leaving so often. // wandering hurts when you’re in love. // a tether to home

How can we survive this? // hard times ahead // that has never caused fear before

You swept me off the ground // lifted me to the heavens // kissed me like it was the first night

The moment stole my words // nothing so perfect as our silent bliss // can we freeze time?

Wrapped myself around your body // refused to let go // every laugh is like the first // you // out of anyone fill me with life // there is nothing without you // I can’t call you anything else /

I will never get a tattoo. // I would get matching ink with you.

I teach you various languages and you pick up certain phrases // media naranja // my half orange //

I searched the galaxy and came up empty // lost in your eyes // I knew it // my soul- mate

Weak

 

She is breaking her spine to love you.

Splitting vertebrae to render her spine yours.

Turning limbs in every wrong direction,

Fracturing her extremities to fit your theses.

She is dividing herself within in order to let you in.

She is piece by piece removing fallen branches

Returning the debris to her innards

So you are unable to see her dying.

Her world is curling up, so you may breathe

She is igniting forest fires.

To let you run free

She is conquering herself in private

So you are convinced you are supreme

She is demoting herself to lender

So you may take ownership of her bones.

You have taken her keys, and invaded her home.

Your capability of cradling a life form

Displayed with one minor tongue flop

Overcome with grief

she capsized-

“I am no longer weak in the knees

I am just weak.”

Ode to Mary Oliver

Mary-

 I am calling out to you in the dead of night

But my voice is only a whisper compared to yours

I am breathing your truths into my bones

Until I am convinced they are my truths

How easy it is to convince myself of our lineage

When the sounds of the pines echo back at me,

Your language.

Everything around me,

Echoes back your language.

Pointing at me and hissing,

And claiming I do not belong here like you do.

These are my words,

These are the words of the achingly innocent

Convinced they are drowning.

Convinced that every strand of lyricism

Is another breath to their tired bodies

Convinced that Mary was right when she said,

“You do not have to be perfect.

You only have to be good.”

And so, I settle the four corners of my feet

Like cardinal directions in the grassy earth

Pointing me to not one way but all ways-

Pointing me to not one truth but all truths-

Pointing me to every corner with every strand of hope I will cling to

Like the human I am,

Anchoring down through my soles.

A difference in truths

Bring these stories to our feet. Trip us and bury us in the history that has made you suffer, that has brought you down, and entrenched your people with hate and violence.

I am not a war criminal, but I am a product of the times where war crimes are a point of American pride and most of us do not even realize growing up that patriotism is built on deceit- that the acres you inhabit are not yours. They are not yours. They were never yours. This land didn’t belong to you anymore than you belonged on it, any more than anyone belonged to you or owed you a damn thing just simply for existing. Any more than you deserve the ease of normalcy in a world that can see color for its own exclusion but be color blind all at the same time.

You see, our truth is for convenience. Our truth is made of darkness, fury, and violence. Nothing about me reeks of earned establishment. Nothing within me claims to belong here.

Your truth is for light, love, and liberation. You roar with the sear of pain and the might to break this curse.

I feel your longings, and I echo them. I sing with you as I let conquer. Conquer what was stolen from you. Show us what real power looks like, and how to operate as a moral authority (something we have never achieved).

I wish I could see a fruition, I wish I could see a day of a life where we all radiate. Your shine awakens me, but I will never live up (pressure creates diamonds).

But right now, it is your story to be told. It is my time to listen. So bring them at our feet. Don’t let us forget for a second.

 

for the forgotten natives of this country, and all of those who were brought here against their will.

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the journey.. thus far

2013. I started this blog as an ode to fashion.

2016. It has evolved and transcended what I ever thought it would mean to me- it has become an oasis for my words.

An island of poetry and forbidden fruit.

Thoughts I can’t shout anywhere but in an online space.

I have grown and changed immensely and part of that was giving myself up-

giving up my pain, to be discovered by others

even if I have not amassed a large quantity

it means the moon and stars to me

that someone has found solace in my words

in my scatterings of a life, my attempt to make something of myself

my efforts in rearranging pain

to create a constellation of hope.

SO thank you-

if you have just stumbled upon my page

or have returned time and time again

Thank you for supporting my art

thank you for this space for helping

support my life’s work.

much love,

s.m.

d.n.

Each day the sun draws the curtain and brings the shade.

The clouds roll back until they are wanted again.

The sky deepens.

It’s the daylight that taunts us.

Night is calm.

Night is a waterfall of sureness.

But day always breaks and we always wake to our unknowing minds.

We always greet our unknowing face in the mirror and move our unknowing limbs out the door.

We can’t escape the daylight.

We can’t forget that time is going going going and we have an endless array of puzzles to solve and ways to evolve.

The sun always sets, even if you think it’s only 2pm but it’s really 9.

Even if you think you’ve only lived a little but you’ve lived a lot.

You forget, but the sun remembers.

The sun knows what time it departs.

Every hour it sends us a reminder.

Deeper.

Darker.

Daylight is breaking;

Night is coming.

But like fools we romanticize the night and let the day run out of sight

Like fools we let the day go right before our very eyes.

8/5/16

home

It came to me like in a dream

It woke me gently with a whisper

A soft spoken slur of words-

Something is different about you

Your walk has a groove

And your thoughts are riotously joyful

What is it?

It’s like you’re infected or something

It’s like something has changed within you

Your internal chemistry is-

More aligned. More defined.

It’s like every move you make is a celebratory dance.

It’s like all of your poetry has a certain tinge of romance.

It’s like your puppy dog eyes are gone, and this is a deeper kind of love.

It’s like-

Everything you eat tastes better and everything you dream seems realer

And everything you read reminds you of a person and a place

And one face.

And you’re on the face of the earth, but the surface of the moon when it’s you two.

When it’s you, too.

You gaze at the sky in a different way

You think maybe God didn’t create a perfect world

Maybe he left it incomplete so you could fill it

Maybe he etched the lands and left a crater the size of two bodies.

So you could fit just right.

It’s like-

Nothing will ever be ordinary again

It’s a strange feeling being so high up in the universe

But it’s something more satisfying than certainty

It’s home.

8/1/16

California

Once I went to a land so beautiful I wasn’t sure I’d ever return

My soul would never return

I would forever be changed from the sacred spaces

My soles would forever trace these lovely places

I went to a land I treasured more than anything I had ever owned

Because true beauty cannot be owned

Because I worshipped my travels and sought light in the golden state

I found that humanity is plenty warm

I found a place to spend my days

I found a place so near and dear I craved it even when I was there

I learned I’m much luckier than I thought

I learned that sometimes you don’t make a plan but the universe makes a plan for you

And it works out more perfectly than anything you could’ve constructed in your small mind

Opened by new places

Enamored by these new faces

Something in me has ties to here

And I feel like no matter what I do

I won’t be able to shake this feeling

I am intricately and innately connected to this place

I have longings more complex than I can fathom

I am here for something bigger than myself

I was here to see the world is so much bigger than myself

And my impact is so much farther reaching than I thought

I went to a place that shined a light on my face and showed me the treasure inside

I went to a place and found authentic bliss, then I cried

I went to a place that helped me realize all of my imaginings could be true

They could be truer than true and better than I could’ve ever imagined

I went to a place that showed me this life

Is better than I imagined

I went to a place that filled me up but left me wanting and needing more

I went to a place that tied a string on my heart

I went to a place that changed me permanently

Taught me the difference between permanent and temporary

And that I better start working on my life now because we don’t wait for the future

The future is now and my future is here

I am tied to a place without me and I am tied to a life and a dream where I can thrive in this space

I dream of a life thriving on exactly what I’ve been doing with my time here

I can see the future and the future is a shade of gold only my eyes can register

I went to a land that brought me my future

And brought me hope

I went to a land so beautiful it broke me

And promised I could be whole again if I would ever return

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80/20

I think I need some space

I think I need some time to reconsider the love I have for myself

I think I need to reconsider my love and imagine what it would be like if I replaced the love for myself with love for you and love for love and hope in love and actually believing that I can love something other than myself.

And actually believing in something other than my own two feet on this journey.

And actually taking another journey besides my own, and actually going anywhere other than where I want to venture.

And actually listening to something other than seashells and bird calls for me to travel onward.

And actually beginning something without complete and utter faith it will work out.

And it works out just fine.

And I’ll be just fine I just need some time

I just need to reconsider the time I give to myself and divide it up into little bits of time for you and I

I need to give my time to you and I need to give my love to you

I need to give up holding onto this love like a dog with a bone that thinks it will never get another bone again

I need to stop thinking if I die tomorrow at least I learned to love myself at least I made plans for myself at least I made plans

At least for one second I made eye contact with another human being that I claimed to love but never showed it because I had fear that he would dump my love into the river and it would pollute the oceans and murder thousands of innocent sea lives.

One innocent life on land I have managed to ruin because I never gave enough of myself for it to grow

I wanted to water you with whatever was left over after my tongue drowned and I felt hydrated enough to run five marathons while you stood on the side and watched me.

You stood on the side and watched me and cheered me on and I just thought to myself- I have never seen a smile look so artificial even in all of this natural light why am I the only thing glowing in this natural light

Why do we stand in this mirror together but I can only see myself and your skin looks blue from all the life I sucked out of you

And I look so sun kissed and happy and proud of all the places I have been recently and all the wonderful acts of kindness I am bringing into the world but I have given too much I have given my bones there is nothing left to give you

I have nothing left to give but this fleshy outer core

You can have the remains of this apple I bit into fifty times and hated the taste every time you can have whatever is left at the bottom of the bag you can have whatever I don’t need to keep running my motor you can have my extra batteries you can have my extra seat in the car but you can’t have my seat you can’t drive you never learned no one ever taught you to be a man on your own that’s why you need everything I have left over that’s why you dig through my trash just to survive and I look away but let it happen every time

It’s good to know that someone puts to use what I don’t need to survive it’s good to know that you don’t need my consent to love me you can just love me and I will tell you when to stop I will tell you when I am getting close and you can let the rest of your love create a steady stream that flows into the river all day long and poisons the frogs

You poisoned the frogs and you didn’t even ask me if I wanted to help you

You didn’t even ask me if I had ever poisoned a frog I think you figure since I am so full of venom I must have only ever poisoned one man and that man is you

I think you figured me out by week two and you realized I would either be the best thing that ever happened to you or the worst but either way at least I will change you at least I will get you off of your lazy ass and have you do something for once at least I made you care about someone else’s life but your own at least you cared about me even if I never cared for you the same way or the same amount back

At least you had an outlet for all of your pent up anger and resentment not towards me but towards your other sins and the other sirens that lured you in with their majestic hair that just barely covered their private parts

At least I let you see me and I allowed your eyes to worship my body like I was an ancient greek statue of a mermaid that washed ashore

At least we swam at least we were able to drink our own poison in big gulps at least we were able to drink the poison and get a little bit of water in our ears at least I cleared my throat one last time before the last time

At least we kissed in the metaphorical not literal rain at least we went on a few adventures at least people gave us double takes every day because our skin tones are on opposite ends of the spectrum

Maybe these walls have been closing in the whole time.

Maybe I have done this on purpose maybe I locked the door so you couldn’t escape and I made sure this home was built with the intention to kill with the intention that nobody makes it out alive maybe I told you in love nobody makes it out alive so just accept your fate and kiss me dear kiss me until the lights go out and all the bodies sing their praise for our lives for my life and all of the wonderful magnificent things I did for the human race and how we never ran a race together but if we did you would have crossed the finish line first

And I would have stopped halfway through to save the frogs from our poison

And you would have looked back and seen me encompassed in this noble task and realized god was with me that day on that race track and all the eyes were watching me with complete and utter love and adoration and you realized I was better off without another cup to fill that I had given too much of myself to give to you.

And you looked back one last time and kept running.