breaking in half // sustaining this flame

When I think of you I break in half because you are not here to share the minutes and hours

You are not here to share the seconds between moments, where the indescribable happens

You are not here to share this bed and frame my head with yours

In your absence, I feel no touch, no kiss, no embrace to which I surrender

Nothing enchants me quite like these memories, I hold in my cerebrum like the antidote to all pain

Our passing moments, each day the ones I have forsaken to leave you crumble me into pieces

I struggle believing I could go on this way forever, in your absence

Missing your real-time emotions and laughter and energy and vibrancy

You are a light that feeds my soul, nothing compares to your hand I can hold

Nothing can replace your body, our love in a space and a time that is defined

Nothing can erase the heart palpitations the image of your presence brings

Sustaining this flame, I wait until I have my soul in full form again.

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In my element

There’s something I call, in my element.

Comfortable, calm, confident.

Cool with every curve and corner I find of myself.

Moving from an intrinsic type of motivation and not extrinsic validation

Moving from, I feel my muscles and my fat and I am okay with that

Moving from, something deep is satisfied when I care for myself in this way

Caring for myself like no one else can because there isn’t a fortune teller that could dictate my mental health

That could tell me I have reached my own threshold, and I should surrender to human sacrifice

Sacrificing that which does me no good for the difficult good I know I must need

That I know I must deserve something I feel for myself

Insulating myself from the misunderstandings of others and accepting myself for every uncommon intricacy I hold

For every contradictory measure I take to incubate my nervous system from the harsh outside conditions

The strength I embody just by merely existing in this world, and in such a fiery language

I believe in the underlying beauty of all things, disconnected and then reconnected when the time is right

Everything must run its course including my sense of attachment to this world, imperfect it may be, wavering it may be, it always returns to me

Like a cold knife in my chest, like a rush of adrenaline, like a drug, like a force I can’t ignore, it is my belonging despite how much I have resisted and excluded myself,

A ribbon reaches out and wraps around my foot, pulling me in. assuring me, you are one. You couldn’t separate yourself enough to lose the rest of us, the best of us take their time to settle down through their sit bones and you have done so. You have found your way to the light. Now embody it.

 

How blessed I am, I cannot begin to comprehend

My life outstretched in front of me, I decided to extend my arms longer although I thought my arms had made up their mind. No farther.

I hijacked my body for hundreds of miles, although each fiber conspired to remain.

I lost everything that ever meant anything to me and found my meaning in having none of it.

I laughed at how painful it was to keep moving, and moving, and abandoning the world I had claimed previously.

Realizing, the world is not mine to claim.

I am simply its pawn.

It has claimed me and assigned me to this mission.

So if you love me, let me go far-

Let me go tell the others the heaven that awaits them

When they take that next step, and

Grasp their chance at living.

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finding my words // keeping them safe

I never ever ever want children. // I would have your children.

Thank you for humanely removing bugs from my room. // he called it “his room.”

He mentioned our honeymoon. // how many times can we talk about the future until it is upon us?

Pain is leaving your side. // strength is allowing myself to break each time.

I’m not vulnerable. // I cried during sex. // tears of joy // when will you show me your tears?

You called it the best day of your life. // all I did was come home.

I apologize for leaving so often. // wandering hurts when you’re in love. // a tether to home

How can we survive this? // hard times ahead // that has never caused fear before

You swept me off the ground // lifted me to the heavens // kissed me like it was the first night

The moment stole my words // nothing so perfect as our silent bliss // can we freeze time?

Wrapped myself around your body // refused to let go // every laugh is like the first // you // out of anyone fill me with life // there is nothing without you // I can’t call you anything else /

I will never get a tattoo. // I would get matching ink with you.

I teach you various languages and you pick up certain phrases // media naranja // my half orange //

I searched the galaxy and came up empty // lost in your eyes // I knew it // my soul- mate

Weak

 

She is breaking her spine to love you.

Splitting vertebrae to render her spine yours.

Turning limbs in every wrong direction,

Fracturing her extremities to fit your theses.

She is dividing herself within in order to let you in.

She is piece by piece removing fallen branches

Returning the debris to her innards

So you are unable to see her dying.

Her world is curling up, so you may breathe

She is igniting forest fires.

To let you run free

She is conquering herself in private

So you are convinced you are supreme

She is demoting herself to lender

So you may take ownership of her bones.

You have taken her keys, and invaded her home.

Your capability of cradling a life form

Displayed with one minor tongue flop

Overcome with grief

she capsized-

“I am no longer weak in the knees

I am just weak.”

Ode to Mary Oliver

Mary-

 I am calling out to you in the dead of night

But my voice is only a whisper compared to yours

I am breathing your truths into my bones

Until I am convinced they are my truths

How easy it is to convince myself of our lineage

When the sounds of the pines echo back at me,

Your language.

Everything around me,

Echoes back your language.

Pointing at me and hissing,

And claiming I do not belong here like you do.

These are my words,

These are the words of the achingly innocent

Convinced they are drowning.

Convinced that every strand of lyricism

Is another breath to their tired bodies

Convinced that Mary was right when she said,

“You do not have to be perfect.

You only have to be good.”

And so, I settle the four corners of my feet

Like cardinal directions in the grassy earth

Pointing me to not one way but all ways-

Pointing me to not one truth but all truths-

Pointing me to every corner with every strand of hope I will cling to

Like the human I am,

Anchoring down through my soles.

Dream House

What do you have to say for this love we built like sand castles

For the way you let my legs drape over your shoulders so that I could use our combined height

To create our dream house

For the way you stood on your tip toes and stretched your arms longer than I have ever witnessed

To build our dream house

For all of the wind and the weather and the waves we ignored to keep building and building, building

To create our dream house

What do you have to say for the fact that we chose a beach and we chose sand

To build our dream house

What do you have to say for the fact that we chose the water but we live in Michigan where it’s cold

What do you have to say for the fact that we took our separate dreams and amputated them from our bodies

To birth our dream house

What do you have to say for the fact that we let these limbs wash away

To create this dream house

What do you have to say- what do you think- what do you think about the separate realities we have attempted to merge

What do you have to say for the fact that I was building a sandy ranch on the beach and you wanted floors, and floors, you wanted a palace

What do you think about the fact that we were both working on the same house but a different dream

What do you have to say about the names I wrote in the sand, how I perfectly merged our names

How nothing ever really stays

in sand- it either blows away, or is crushed, or washes away

What do you have to say. What do you think about the fact that we have not washed away

But the floors of this dream house keep collapsing

Each gust of wind is like a spell against us

To build this dream house

What do you have to say of all the sand covered spells we cast on each other with eyes and tongues

What do you have to say of all the sand covered love we have shared in the sun

When the winter we live in has crept up slowly on our backs

And the tingle on my spine has a name written in the sand but it washed away with ours

And what do you have to say. What do you have to dream about anymore?

Now that the water has come and gone are the walls and the floors and every imaginary door

Of our dream house

sandcastle

 

Unraveling

You came to me in a dream

I saw a light and followed it like a moth without a reason

Other than it’s light. And this might

Be the sun from which I radiate

I unraveled my skin and bones to let you in

But you quickly realized blood is thicker than water

And you can’t even swim

And within this likelihood of finding hope and finding home

I lost my voice by failing to scream when I needed to the most

There are objects that felt my rage passion and desire stronger than you did.

Now my dreams are flooded with other men.

I wake up in a sweat and cry in the darkness.

No one really knows how much I am-

Unraveling

Unraveling

Unraveling

For you. To give myself to the light and not the moon. To tell myself that constellations connect stars that are millions of miles apart and there is a reason I was drawn to you. Even if I forgot it.

And there’s a reason for everything right?

And why do I feel like this, why do I charge myself with crimes I didn’t commit why am I not committed

How does one be committed

How do I keep a promise I never made?

To you. Because truly it’s true I made every single promise to me and not you because I am just that incredibly unsure of my words when I am around you. and I hold them in until I am away and can let my mind run free and play and proclaim myself a sunflower, a shining star in the night sky on her own, in her own poetry, in her own galaxy, in her own darkness. Lost in her own darkness.

And I am sorry if I didn’t spin on my head for you or turn the world upside down.

Magic does not come from me when I am numb, you took my words from me and escape was the only method of liberation. With you I feel tied down like you are my only obligation. Like I cannot even fall off the face of the earth without dealing with some sort of repercussion. Because there is a whole branch of you that is me, and to me you are leaves.

And I am devoid of hope and there isn’t a fire in me now because I tried to clear my mind out to love you. I folded in my limbs and made myself compact so if you ran me over I wouldn’t be crushed, I could still walk again. Remember I gave my spine to you. there is nothing to break. Don’t try there’s no use

And is it wrong to say I could never protect you?

And if there was a bullet I wouldn’t let you

Save me. There is no saving a woman who is her own hero, her own lifeblood, who breathes fire, and can expand and contract herself when needed. I contracted myself but you never see it

Your eyes are pointed downwards and you are encumbered with yourself. I am a world to you, but I am not your world. Love comes in waves, but is no ocean. When I found the source I thought it was never-ending, but it really was just accumulation from a storm. There isn’t enough clean drinking water for all of us

Each day I bend my back over to look at the world, burn holes in my eyes to withstand the collective pain of humanity. I ache for others, and repair myself-

You ache for yourself and I will never be able to accept your lack of investment in the living of others. I carry their weight on my back.

But I do not want to carry yours much longer. I am weary from the long winding road and I have much time ahead.

This vision had prospects but lost itself midway. Neither of us wanted to get wet we just dipped our toes in and I wanted to be fearless but I don’t think that you are ready to release yourself like I have

You cling to your bones like your name is engraved in them

I lost my skin years ago

Another word

You open your mouth but nothing of truth comes out.

Only the regurgitated lies you have been fed, and eagerly swallowed.

It hurts to look in your eyes and imagine that we are more than strangers.

It hurts to walk when the weight of each step is so heavy,

It crushes the ground below me.

Some of us change the earth, for some the earth changes us.

It is not a daughter’s duty to convince a parent of their privilege.

Your lack of transformation comes from your stone feet.

You have never moved enough to ripple.

You have lived and you will die exactly where you were born,

Forsaking every opportunity to be better.

So when you speak to me,

Your words are colored with hypocrisy. It is difficult to resist the sorrow. The space between us. The tense unspoken truth I hold under my tongue.

It crushes me.

Disappointment is too light a word.

Atlantis

Nothing makes sense

In my daydreams clouds are pink and the grass sways like water

Only, this is real life

In my dreams I am awake, breathing, and alive

I am striding across a territory that is not mine, and never has been

It is not my ancestors’, nor their ancestors

I am walking, waking, over my head, deep

I am wading in all that is possibility

Built upon the atrocities of the dreamers before me

The dreamers who were cut like beanstalks from the sky

Cut down, drowned out,hushed, unwritten

Who will tell their story?

Better yet, if they tell their story, bare their bones, unveil the remnants of a civilization-

Who will listen?

When I remember I stop and drop my ear to the earth and listen to the rock and roll of the earth on its axis

Muffled chanting mistaken for party music. Thievery mistaken for livelihood.

Everyone who has entitled themselves to this land has poisoned it, and for that we are guilty of not only genocide- but suicide.

You took everything. There is nothing left to make of this blue planet.

There is nothing green.

Only the sea, that washes me away in no time- reducing me to the minor, insignificant microorganism I am, shooing me, discarding me, replacing me, and erasing me.

I have never existed in a world the way it was supposed to be.

I uncover what I can in the lost world of the sea, Atlantis- moaning to be released, crying, and screeching at my feet.

Drowned, I am lost. I am nothing compared to what was here before me.

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