poetry · Uncategorized

I, too, am human

I surrounded myself with souls who have bodies and found my borders within their territories
Knowing a person is traversing the map of a soul
I poured myself into our conversation, letting you know through eye contact, listening
that I acknowledge your aching existence
And I left my body for a moment
And saw us all, sitting around, bringing energies to each other, begging and pleading for someone to recognize that we were there
And I poured myself into your body to fill you up in all the places you were left alone
And I felt you doing the same
And in that unspoken devotion to a human I had yet to know on a deep level
I felt the depth of your being
Locked eyes, reminded you we are connected and deep down we know that
That you are magical evidence of the living spirit
And I am breathing back to you,
Echoing the sentiment in my own words.
Remembering, I, too, am human
And in this moment we are meant to cross paths
Celebrating that with a farewell
As sensible humans learn to do.

Advertisements
poetry · Uncategorized

flight

As birds pick up their wings
Make this land their planet
Free to move and be exactly as expansive as their great big wings
I wonder
Do they know what they are doing?
Do they know the impact of their flight on my psyche?
Once I hope to take to something as naturally as birds take to flight.

poetry · Uncategorized

repackaged and repurposed

I’m not sure what I look like or who I am or what makes me happy other than making everyone else happy
It hit me
It really hit me
Would I say no to something I know would make you happy?
No,
I wouldn’t.
I’d say yes like I’ve practiced saying yes for the past sixteen years of my life, pushing aside my needs for your own.
Forming my own personality that doesn’t revolve around bending your needs and filling you with energy.
Where’s my energy?
No one has filled me because I’ve been gone too long to fill myself and no one has learned to think of me as their human friend- imperfect- rather than a robot who performs precisely how they want.
Are you sad? I will comfort you.
Are you happy? I will cheer with you.
I don’t understand my emotions without these cues that remind me I’m only of use if I can bend over and give them what they want.
I always give them what they want
Maybe because I’ve felt the sting of disappointment too many times to wish it on anyone else, even the ones who truly don’t deserve the energy I provide them.
What have they done to earn it?
And when they’re done, I’m disposed of, having fulfilled my only purpose in life- being a vehicle for the satisfaction of other humans. My soul is made up of other souls. I’m no original content. I’ve been repackaged and repurposed and I’m ready to get hurt again. I’m ready to sacrifice myself for you.

Uncategorized · poetry

if it’s meant to happen, it happens

What do you think is going to happen that isn’t meant to happen?
Don’t you think if my love for a stranger destroys my love for you there was never anything to destroy?
Don’t you know the nature of first words, and first loves?
And first worlds-
And this bed we make together is our own
And our heads falling together is my home even if I spend my day with someone who isn’t you and doesn’t say the things you say?
Wouldn’t that be okay?
If you just gave me a little space to walk away and tell myself these strangers are not you.
Whether that’s for better or worse,
Whether you’ll love me for better or worse
Whether you’ll wait for me to gather my love for you like frozen flowers beneath the Michigan snow.
It will take me time to realize all that you are offering me with your breath, and your eyes, and your intertwined palm in mine
I will have to collect my thoughts each time we say goodbye until I decide if I’ll ever want to say it for the last time
Because it’s impossible to know-
Isn’t it?
And if you know, I’m sorry
I’m sorry I break you with my every wavering inch
My questioning and inquiring about other souls
Is there a milder crime I could commit than give myself the chance to know who else is out there?
We didn’t sign a contract simply by loving
I haven’t signed myself away to one single love yet so let’s not prematurely end our curiosity and youth and surrender ourselves to the norms of living together and dying together even if we no longer serve each other
Do I serve you as a spotlight to your own glory?
Because you do that for me,
And it is precisely this:
Your investment in how I end up at the end of everything
That makes me hold myself to this commitment
To not assume what’s here is right
Or what’s now is only
To know if we can be happier, we should be
And that’s nothing against your brilliance
It’s everything supporting it
And I wish I had your resilience
Of loving without knowing
I wish we both knew that we would be in good hands- whether our own, or each other’s, or someone new- a budding possibility.
And what’s the probability I won’t sleep if I meet someone who makes me flutter like you make me?
Highly likely-
I’ll be lost,
Where I started
Stuck between only me and myself.

Uncategorized

What music means to me- “Eyes on Fire”

I’m laying on a yoga mat in a warm room with ten other people doing the same. My body is sweaty and tired from the past hour of intense yoga, and I’ve climbed a mountain. I’m finally at the bottom, about to walk off back into daily life. But there’s one last step before I re-assimilate myself into the outside world- savasana, or final relaxation. The instructor directs us to relax our bodies, our facial muscles and limbs which fall easily to the sides. Usually I struggle with rest, but the great contrast of intensity to complete stagnation convinces me I’m worth it. I’m worth these moments, laying here, breathing, and doing absolutely nothing that my body does not need. I’m lulled into a deeply meditative state by the instructor’s words, and hear the strumming of a guitar coming from the speakers, followed by an enchantingly soft voice. I don’t care what she’s saying; I can feel it. My bones blend into my muscles and my mind bows to its only purpose: keeping me alive. The song only lasts a few minutes, but it feels like hours. We’re instructed to make our way back up to the mat, even though I’m not ready. We bid the instructor goodbye with the traditional “namaste,” and that’s it for the practice. But this wasn’t the end of the road for yoga and me. I practiced enough with this older student instructor who I admired, and one day inquired about where and how to become an instructor myself. I got in contact with her boss, and arranged to meet with her soon to discuss. Within a couple weeks, it was decided that I would become a yoga instructor and mentor under the instructor who had shown me the wonderful song “Eyes on Fire.” the mentorship process was transformative, and I and another student took the journey together, after a semester and a Yogafit Level One training ready to teach our own classes. It’s been two years since I first heard this song, but it still takes me back to a time where I regularly laid on a yoga mat as a participant, and not an instructor. I have grown a lot as an instructor these years, but I still have a lot more education to acquire and I’ll be getting my 200 level certification in 2019. If it weren’t for that first yoga instructor, her sweaty but rewarding teaching style, and unique mix of a playlist, I might never have taken a leap to learn the new skill of yoga. “Eyes on Fire” reminds me of a time I knew much less, and reminds me to stay humble, realizing how much farther I can go with my practice. It also reminds me the benefits of continuing to attend other instructors’ classes, to learn from them, better develop my own style, and to give myself the time for my own practice, breathing and meditation the same as we all do, students and teachers alike.

experience · friendship · inspiration · life · positivity · Uncategorized

What music means to me- “It Feels like we Only Go Backwards”

See the source image

I was at a weird time in life. That’s nondescript, since most of my life, and I imagine, most of most people’s lives, is confusing, strange, and peculiar. I had never kissed anyone, and here I was hanging out with my best male friend past midnight, in his dad’s apartment, alone. He thought smoking cigarettes made him cool. He didn’t care about much, a result of his constant depression. But he did care about music, and he showed me a song I will never forget. It was probably the first time someone ever projected a music video onto their TV for me (maybe the only time). He cared about me, and made me some sort of vegan concoction with random foods he found in his dad’s kitchen. Tame Impala’s most famous song burst through the speakers and the psychedelic graphics mesmerized me. Was this love? I stayed longer and longer at his apartment, waiting for the moments of day to blend into night, and our friendship to transition into something more, naturally. We sat outside, complimenting each other and hoping someone would make a move. The stars urged us on, but we were caught up in music, and smoke, and fear. And something holding us back. I was left with something that night, and it wasn’t a kiss or a new relationship (I wouldn’t get either of those for another year). It was a song, defining a moment, defining a time in my life when not a lot was certain. I was full of feelings, and everyone around me was too. My best male friend poured his heart out to me, gave me love, but also emotionally drained me of any love I had to offer. Eventually our friendship waned, like the moon that night. It changed, and I changed a lot. I don’t let fear dictate my decisions anymore. I haven’t talked to him in years, but I sure hope he has changed too. If he had stuck in his youthful ignorance, allowing limitations on who he could be and what he could achieve, wouldn’t he just be going backwards? This song will forever remain dear to me- a reminder to live every moment fully like I did that night, but reach much farther beyond that- clutching deep meaning like my comfort, but embracing my illuminating future as my guiding force.

 

This is part of a series of posts on the most meaningful songs to me. Stay tuned for the next song!

challenge · experience · inspiration · life · love · poetry · positivity · self help · society · truth · Uncategorized · writing

let’s not figure things out

Don’t ask me what my plans are

I’m still figuring them out

I’m still rearranging the ideas in my brain that dictate how I live my life

Convincing myself that each day it is okay for the future to change

I am not a liar for never doing those things I said I would

Because they turned out to not be what I wanted

It is okay for my idea of love to change from one to many

It is okay to see where everything goes before committing

Giving precedence to my mind’s health and the nourishment of my soul

It is okay to live according to the sun’s rising and falling

Following my natural impulses like an awakened cavewoman

Because all too often we ignore our impulses and follow the lead we are expected to

To convince others we are successful, we are where we are supposed to be

But maybe where I am supposed to be on a Friday afternoon is crying in the bathroom

Because my heart is bursting with love

And all of the feeling has returned to my body, all of the bliss that others bring me has boiled up,

And spilled over,

And I’ve spilled over,

Reminding myself I am human, not a people-pleasing machine

I am more than my ability to make others happy

I am more than the physical connection or listening ears I provide

I am a being simply because I am being,

My being does not depend on my utility to others

I am not just a tool for accomplishment,

Whatever that means to society

My idea is different,

More feeling comfortable and confident wherever I am,

Spending my time just how I would like to, and not how I feel obligated to

I believe in the inexplicable beauty of love.

Let’s not define things,

Let’s not stress or worry, or force our anxiety to act up

By convincing ourselves we need to do more, be more, live more

Let’s honor the place we are now and continue on the path that brings joy to our face

A warmth creeping up the corners of the lips, reaching out through the limbs of the body

Enabling us to love, naturally, freely, without obligation

Let’s not figure things out right now.

It’s better to live in this uncertain moment, and worship its divine possibility.