How blessed I am, I cannot begin to comprehend

My life outstretched in front of me, I decided to extend my arms longer although I thought my arms had made up their mind. No farther.

I hijacked my body for hundreds of miles, although each fiber conspired to remain.

I lost everything that ever meant anything to me and found my meaning in having none of it.

I laughed at how painful it was to keep moving, and moving, and abandoning the world I had claimed previously.

Realizing, the world is not mine to claim.

I am simply its pawn.

It has claimed me and assigned me to this mission.

So if you love me, let me go far-

Let me go tell the others the heaven that awaits them

When they take that next step, and

Grasp their chance at living.

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10 Reasons why I’m 19 and will never drink again

Don’t get me wrong, I used to drink alcohol. It was a good year from the summer after high school to the summer before my sophomore year in college. But I slowly started to realize I do not need nor do I want to consume alcohol or drugs in any way. There wasn’t a singular bad experience that brought me to this; just the realization that I am more me, and a better me without the façade of drugs and alcohol. Here’s why:

  1. I only really did it to conform in social settings. Party without alcohol? I’m not begging someone to go get it. Party with alcohol? I’m drinking what everyone else is. To me, this didn’t make sense. I equally am not motivated to consume alcohol in either of these situations yet in one I feel coerced into doing so simply to fit the social setting. The solution? Don’t put myself in that setting.
  2. Drinking “to get the edge off” is not a good thing. For me, drinking was a way to rid myself of the nervousness of being in settings with many people I didn’t know and probably wouldn’t hang out with under other circumstances. When you’re half-drunk you can have fun with anyone, even if they’re kind of a terrible person. This seemed appealing at first but I’ve realized I would rather have three real friendships than a billion fake friendships with people that I really have nothing in common with other than we drink together. That’s not enough to build a positive relationship, nor a meaningful social interaction. Translation? Not worth my time.
  3. Again, not worth my time. I only probably have a good 82 years left on this planet and I don’t want to waste a single more second with a hangover. Even moderate drinking isn’t worth it. You know what’s five times as fun and takes absolutely no loss of motor skills? Road tripping. Traveling. Things you probably shouldn’t do half- drunk. Although I’m young, I have far better things to be doing than wasting my time getting drunk. Do you see the world we’re living in? My time is valuable and can help others. Which brings me to…
  4. I know I’m young, and I’m “allowed to have fun” and I do have fun. I’m young but I’m not immature. The mistakes I make are honest mistakes. I don’t see the point in intentionally getting myself drunk and getting sick, and calling that my valuable youth experience. My valuable youth experiences include navigating the middle of California by myself and trying to learn as many languages as possible. I still make human errors along the way, and I am learning about life. But with intention, not in a beer bottle.
  5. I know I’m in college. I know a good majority of the kids in college consume alcohol and use drugs. Truthfully I don’t care. I am at a university to learn something that is hopefully useful for my future. I am here to become a better human and change agent. I’m not here for the parties. That’s literally $1,000s for parties. No thanks.
  6. I understand myself more deeply now. I know my desires and goals more and more each day and I am centered on these. I am so purpose- oriented that I don’t have the time nor the energy to pretend I am not. Yes, I have plenty of fun but I will not waste away my nights doing something so purposeless. I do not need to conform to others; I need to keep my eyes on my purpose.
  7. I have determined by now that I am an introvert. Expanding my social circle is not necessarily my goal right now. I have enough friends. Going to parties to blend in with the drunken crowd is at the bottom of my priority list.
  8. Alcohol isn’t healthy. Many studies show increased cancer risk even with moderate alcohol consumption. There’s added dyes, chemicals, and sugar in most drinks, and I already avoid these as it is. Plus, over time, alcohol damages your liver and other internal organs. It isn’t worth the risk.
  9. Drugs control you. I even avoid caffeine. Even a small amount can help you develop an addiction. Drugs alter your mind and perception. I am the only one who is in control of my mind and I want it to stay that way. As a yogi, I honor this and practice this. Allowing a substance to control me is dishonorable to my mind.
  10. By keeping my body free of foreign substances, I allow myself to further purify my soul. You probably didn’t think this would get so philosophical, did you? The truth is- my mind, body, and soul are near and dear to me. They are my temple. My home. I guard that shit with my LIFE. I try to live the most minimalistic and natural life I possibly can and honor what I need at any given time. If I have too many distractions, I will lose sight of this and will not be as satisfied with my life overall. I am the sole gatekeeper of this precious life.

As a young college student it can be awkward being one of a few that choose to not consume alcohol, but I avoid putting myself in uncomfortable settings as much as I can. I know my true friends will honor my decision. I am not condemning the consumption of alcohol for everyone; in moderation it can be okay. I can only speak for myself and what I know is that, I have many goals in this life and I am determined to do as much as I can to alleviate the societal ills in this world. Without added distractions, I am more focused, physically and mentally stronger, and have more time and energy to do this. I know now how to listen to what I need much better- and refraining from drugs and alcohol is just one of the ways I can honor that. I just encourage everyone to truly uncover their short-term and long-term intentions, and figure out what is their best path to achieving these. And honoring that fiercely.

And to the people at the party-yes, really, I’m fine with water.

Signed,

Forever D.D. (designated driver)

Another word

You open your mouth but nothing of truth comes out.

Only the regurgitated lies you have been fed, and eagerly swallowed.

It hurts to look in your eyes and imagine that we are more than strangers.

It hurts to walk when the weight of each step is so heavy,

It crushes the ground below me.

Some of us change the earth, for some the earth changes us.

It is not a daughter’s duty to convince a parent of their privilege.

Your lack of transformation comes from your stone feet.

You have never moved enough to ripple.

You have lived and you will die exactly where you were born,

Forsaking every opportunity to be better.

So when you speak to me,

Your words are colored with hypocrisy. It is difficult to resist the sorrow. The space between us. The tense unspoken truth I hold under my tongue.

It crushes me.

Disappointment is too light a word.

Comfort

Comfort?

What is comfort?

I do not speak of comfort.

I am not well versed in the language of death.

I am alive-living.

More than a shell, very well beyond a shell.

Comfort reeks to me.

I can smell it a mile away.

I see you dragging your bones along like you don’t have a life to live any more.

I see you letting your body be a tomb.

I know I cannot do this. I can never ever do this.

I can revolt.

I can do what I can to touch the heavens, even if it means forever walking on my tip-toes.

I can keep my own universe, my own mountains, and plains, and rivers, and valleys.

I can run without interruption, escape the soul-crushers, and ascend.

Coming Clean

I have struggled for many years- unable to combine a few sentences and break the silence on the emotional pain I deal with over food and obsessive exercise. Even writing this, I am questioning myself and dismissing myself, even though I know this has been heavy on my heart for far too long.

I would say it began around eighth grade- I got really really into exercise and healthy eating and so I became a super health nut and began to work out. I ran with friends, danced a lot, and basically did a ton of cardio but without purpose other than to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I quit everything unhealthy- anything with artificial colors or flavors, candy, soda, junk food like chips, etc. over night. Once I devoted myself to my health, I never looked back. I fell in love with the feeling I would get from working out, or the pride of having a strict code of foods I would and would not eat.

As the years went on, I became more and more obsessed with living a healthy lifestyle, especially because no one around me was the same. My family has never been that into health, nor my friends. Most of the people I know eat healthy on occasion and exercise in recreational ways, but I built my days upon a fitness regime. I started following workout plans and guides and ripping out the pages of Self and Shape with the little workout guides printed. I loved it, and as I continued to learn more and more about fitness, I pushed myself harder and harder. Around high school, I was working out with a more definitive goal in mind. It was also around this time I went vegan (senior year). By then, fitness was hardly just a part of my life- it was my life. It defined me. Going vegan is the best decision I have ever made, and it definitely helped boost my confidence in my healthy lifestyle, since a balanced vegan lifestyle is the healthiest way to live and eat. I could never look back on that decision, because I do feel that veganism helped my relationship with food.

By college, I was still in this mindset. I worked out almost every single day, often doing yoga plus a workout daily, after biking or walking to class, and sometimes running on the same day. Thankfully, we have free fitness classes in our residence halls at school, so I would attend those all the time, unless something legitimately important prevented me from going. I was definitely, definitely obsessed. I often skipped club meetings or other cool campus involvements just to go to fitness classes or work out on my own. I tracked all my food and activity on my Health app on my phone, and felt like I was in control of my life. I can definitely see now that there were some unhealthy aspects to my obsession. I still continue to struggle with this to date. There is an issue- I work so hard and I run my body like a machine, yet I still never feel like it is enough. I stopped loving my workouts and started simply doing them repetitively because my self-worth is directly correlated with how active and healthy my lifestyle is. It absolutely is. I was traveling for a week and a half recently, and I had no time to work out, although it was a very active trip in general, but I still felt so guilty and like my body was not fit enough. I have always struggled with this obsession to be the best and fittest I can possibly be, and it has left me scrambling to find time to work out on days it doesn’t even make sense and I end up making myself late for something, just so I don’t feel like a worthless human being later on.

I have dealt with this for so long. I decided I wanted to come clean, and tell my story to someone-anyone who would listen. Recently I was raw for two weeks. I was inspired to go raw by all the raw vegans I know. I felt great doing it and truly believed I had reached the pinnacle of perfect healthfulness. After doing some research though, I discovered that eating raw can be very dangerous, because it doesn’t include as many varieties of foods as it should. It is also very dangerous mentally, because the people who made the diet demonize ridiculous foods that no one should cut out from their life- like nuts, seeds, and avocado. While it may be right for some people, I don’t think it is for me. My mindset was out of control on a raw diet. I felt so incredibly healthy just eating raw fruits and veggies, and I will say my energy felt great and I was not bloated, but I do not believe I was getting adequate nutrition, and I too started demonizing anything that wasn’t a raw fruit or veggie. I didn’t eat bread for two weeks, and I wasn’t sure if I ever would again. (I have.) I do this a lot. I have been vegan a year and a half, and at this point, it’s almost too easy to find vegan treats anywhere. I got to the point where I felt I was consuming too many sweets, so I cut them out completely. I did a month without added sugar, and I have kept with it. While many of my behaviors are points of pride for me, I can also recognize that I am someone who can very, very easily fall into a trap with my healthy lifestyle- every time I think I have achieved perfection, but I somehow veer off that path, I lose my mind.

I love to talk about working out and healthy eating partly because I want people to admire my physique. I want all of my hard work to be noticed. I look in the mirror and I like what I see most of the time. I am notoriously obsessed with my abs, and when my stomach is bloated I get so distraught. I want to be toned and fit and trim, and I want to be known for being fit. I guess I have defined myself by my fitness for so long that I get offended when people are surprised I’m so into working out. Just because I don’t have giant guns doesn’t mean I am not incredibly strong and physically adept. I feel like when others (especially sexist jerks who think I can’t lift heavy objects) don’t notice my athleticism, it’s really a personal blow. I don’t know what I would do if I hadn’t worked hard to have a fit body. It really is a huge part of my life and my identity, and this is both a positive and a negative thing. It is positive because I know I will always be devoted to living a long, healthy, and happy life, but it is also negative because it has caused immense emotional pain when I feel I don’t live up to the standards I set for myself. Basically, fitness will always be a part of me, but I am just trying to not make it all of me.

After realizing I was dealing with emotional distress every time I felt I ate something I shouldn’t have or missed a chance to work out, I researched what I was going through. It turns out there is a name for it- orthorexia, obsession with healthy eating and exercise. I read the stories of many others who have struggled trying to balance the positive and negative sides to being obsessed with personal fitness, and I wanted to cry and shout from the rooftops. I felt like my pain was validated, like it was something real and tangible and mine to own. Now, I don’t like to go throwing around names of disorders just to gain sympathy; that is something I will never do, but I am so glad I was able to recognize within me something potentially dangerous. Orthorexia is closely linked to anorexia. I distinctly remember times in my life where I did purposefully starve myself, or feel so guilty from eating something that I so badly wanted to induce vomiting. My mother survived anorexia when she was around my age, and that is a treatment process I never want to have to go through. I probably do not have the worst case of orthorexia ever, but I am so glad I see the red flags now, which may have potentially saved me from a lifetime of even more pain and suffering.

Every day is different living with orthorexia. Typically, I keep a very strict eating schedule- one I have probably thought of the day before or hours earlier, and workout for up to two hours. Once I start working out, I don’t want to stop. I often do squats and ab exercises in the bathroom and shower just because any idle moment I have I feel obligated to use in my physical benefit. If I ever get fat, it will be my own fault. The saddest thing is I have allowed that to be my worst fear. Not starving, not throwing up, not fainting, not being infertile because my body has been in starvation mode for years. My worst fear has been getting fat. It is highly impossible to get fat with the way I eat and live, but I feel like even one day without working out is risking it. I often slap myself out of absurd ideas like this, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t feel guilty lying in bed at night. I constantly wrestle with my own mind- is it okay to not work out today? I need sleep- isn’t that important to my health too? I am trying so hard to not be superficially focused on the benefits to my outward appearance, and remember that my incredibly active lifestyle is keeping me alive longer. That should be the real goal. I want to meet my grandchildren. I want to be a thriving old woman, but this won’t happen if I don’t start treating my body like the temple it is.

I am not a machine. I cannot wake up and grind every single day without an ounce of passion. I need to bring the love and the fun back to my fitness regime. I need to be more proud of my ability to stick with something so crucial to life than my body. I need to stop becoming obsessed over gains in certain areas of the body, and I need to stop putting fitness first, meaning don’t turn down plans with someone just to work out. I need to love myself, truly, wholly, and unconditionally. No matter if I look in the mirror and my stomach is bloated because I ate some God forbid bread. I need to remember that healthy habits become unhealthy the second your mindset turns toxic. I can’t have this toxic mindset anymore. I need to cherish my life and my strong body and the blessing it is that I am a mobile person, and even have the ability to work out without abandon. I am unlearning bad behaviors and relearning new ones every day. I am learning not to beat myself up over eating a cookie or bread, or skipping a day of working out. I was incredibly tired today and did not work out. I went to work, I read, and I napped. I listened to what my body needed, and I fulfilled its wishes. And to me, that is worth a heck of a lot more than a workout I would have thrown only half of myself into. Whatever I do deserves the whole of me. I deserve the whole of me.

Orthorexia resources:

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/orthorexia-nervosa

http://www.orthorexia.com/

 

California

Once I went to a land so beautiful I wasn’t sure I’d ever return

My soul would never return

I would forever be changed from the sacred spaces

My soles would forever trace these lovely places

I went to a land I treasured more than anything I had ever owned

Because true beauty cannot be owned

Because I worshipped my travels and sought light in the golden state

I found that humanity is plenty warm

I found a place to spend my days

I found a place so near and dear I craved it even when I was there

I learned I’m much luckier than I thought

I learned that sometimes you don’t make a plan but the universe makes a plan for you

And it works out more perfectly than anything you could’ve constructed in your small mind

Opened by new places

Enamored by these new faces

Something in me has ties to here

And I feel like no matter what I do

I won’t be able to shake this feeling

I am intricately and innately connected to this place

I have longings more complex than I can fathom

I am here for something bigger than myself

I was here to see the world is so much bigger than myself

And my impact is so much farther reaching than I thought

I went to a place that shined a light on my face and showed me the treasure inside

I went to a place and found authentic bliss, then I cried

I went to a place that helped me realize all of my imaginings could be true

They could be truer than true and better than I could’ve ever imagined

I went to a place that showed me this life

Is better than I imagined

I went to a place that filled me up but left me wanting and needing more

I went to a place that tied a string on my heart

I went to a place that changed me permanently

Taught me the difference between permanent and temporary

And that I better start working on my life now because we don’t wait for the future

The future is now and my future is here

I am tied to a place without me and I am tied to a life and a dream where I can thrive in this space

I dream of a life thriving on exactly what I’ve been doing with my time here

I can see the future and the future is a shade of gold only my eyes can register

I went to a land that brought me my future

And brought me hope

I went to a land so beautiful it broke me

And promised I could be whole again if I would ever return

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Here’s to together, and here’s to apart

You are alive in me.

You are alive like a sparrow in the trees

Leaving me alone and taking all of my fertility for yourself

I cannot see the cypresses from here

I can only see your deep brown eyes

I can only see your chocolate skin

And imagine baking pies with your sugar

I can only imagine what real love feels like

I can only begin to suspect you have a natural inclination

To love me, and to love all things.

To love all things, without me.

I love all things

I stretch my arms and legs as far as they can go

And I have limbs in both hemispheres

You have limbs in both hemispheres

You begin to span the universe and galaxy ways

But I tell you to stop.

I drown in your eyes like you said you could in mine

I drown in your eyes and your smooth talk and your sweet skin

But when my teeth sink into your flesh it’s only bitter

It’s nothing like I imagined nothing is like I imagined

Nothing is like the world I was promised growing up

I drew a picture of the world and nothing was accurate

Not a single thing was accurate- I had no idea what I was doing

I dove into geography like I did this love

Instead of making a whole cake

I made a slice and thought we could split it

I thought we could split this love

I thought the earth was big enough for four footprints

I laughed at the notion of ever returning

I thought we could split this love into two even halves

I split this love I am responsible for the splinters

I am responsible for the crushing of this love

I am responsible for this I am responsible for the imprint my body makes on your bed

I am responsible for these stained sheets

I brought you here and offered you life

I offered you love

I gave you nothing more

Your stomach was empty and it always has been

You have always been empty

And I have never been able to open my mouth

And make noises when I need to

I have never been able to shake this guilt

I have never filled you up

All I ever did was remind you how you resent loneliness

And you cry when our palms unite

I cry when your hand leaves mine

I cry when you escape and I know you’ve been wanting to for a long while

I cry as you breathe in and out in and out faster and faster

And I feel every single heartbeat of yours and I know why it’s fast

And I brought this for you, please take it so your heartbeat slows

I don’t want to lose this flower

My plant is finally starting to flower

I don’t want it to burst before it becomes something beautiful

I don’t want to ruin it with my eyes

I don’t want to cut my tongue when I try to kiss its daggers

I don’t want to be tempted to harm myself on this plant

I don’t want life from this vegetation I have lived my whole life in isolation and you think I will stop now?

Do you think now is a good time to cut the rope?

Do you think I can drop you down this mountain and your eyes won’t shut forever?

Do you think you could open your eyes one more time

Just one more time

One more time for me

Let me know that you were once a living breathing organism

You have windows on your face and they are so reflective I can see myself

I can see myself and I hate it because I look like a disaster

I look like I came to seek revenge for all the hope you filled me with

For those wicked seeds you made me plant

You made me garden because you thought I believed in growth over sustenance

You thought I was okay with starving for a few months

You thought I could survive off of your nutrients

You thought sucking you through a straw was everything but a bitter delusion

You never saw the truth you never saw anything but your own round flat nose that mushes against my face

You never felt anything but a fierce grip you never gripped anything but my daggers

You never hid them from me you kept everything in plain sight

You wanted me to know if one of us dies it’s only our own damn fault

It’s only your own damn fault no one told you to climb Mount Everest

No one told you to become anything but ordinary

You rented these cemetery plots you knew we would die you knew I was dying

At a faster rate than the slow rate of everyone else

You thought I was dying and you were right

You thought I was dying because I kept losing my hair and sleep because every time I tried to close my eyes all I could see was your face lost in mine looking to me for guidance like a map of the world but the only continent I ever truly understood was myself. I made a key so you could navigate my poles more easily but you couldn’t read. You couldn’t read because your mama never taught you and my mama taught me way too much about this house and not enough about this world. And not enough about love and what to do when your lover is a panther and you feel estranged while making love. And you feel like you need another soft body next to yours and you feel like this might not be the body you need you might just need two of you. You might just need two of you you might just need to work on yourself for a while and come back to this place and kiss your memories and laugh infinitely and laugh and cry and never stop laughing because the hearts of two lovers don’t stop beating.

Once they establish the same rhythm they don’t stop beating they don’t stop beating they never stop beating

They only open one of their eyes every once in a while to make sure the other one is still breathing they only open their arms out wide so they can make love to the clouds and fall asleep happy and dead and happy and alive and never wake up because we are stuck in this dream together we are stuck in this dream and I’m not sure I ever want to get out if it means I have to spend less time loving myself and worshipping the body god gave me and realizing my soul was intricately and lovingly made for me and it fits me like a warm winter sweater it fits me like the ocean around the world I fit myself but I don’t know if I fit you

I don’t know if I’m ready for this but you are always ready

So I bury my head and bow to the both of us I bow to the both of me

In our love there are two of me and none of you and I resent the pain I will cause us but for now let’s savor our independence

Let’s savor everything about love we ever hated.

Let’s savor everything the galaxies have left behind for us that we can use to build a fort against the others and the screaming, crawling world that always seems to wait on our heels to pounce.

Alive and living

How silly it is

You once defined yourself

By numbers-

The total on your paycheck

The pounds on your scale

The years you have not yet surrendered

To the ever-present shadow of mortality.

How silly it is

You once praised yourself

For being one step closer

To retirement- to the end of a lifelong dream

To make a name for yourself

But you have sacrificed that

So you could build a savings

And die a boring, lonesome death

How silly it is

That your object of fascination is you

That you’ve spent each year

In the same house

In the same corner of the world

And left the rest unseen and untouched.

How silly it is

That you never questioned

The American Dream

That you never realized

Living paycheck to paycheck

You are bound to the bills

And there is no such word as “free.”

How silly it is

You enslaved yourself to your employer

And imprisoned yourself inside a single building

Filled with meaningless objects

That cost more than an interstate road trip.

How silly it is

You starved yourself

To work

But then you realized

You can’t eat money

And when you look under a microscope

A blank void stares back at you

It’s all the same.

How silly it is

You dropped that cap of yours

On the same pillow every night

Cocooned in the same blanket

Hiding out in the same bed

In the same room of the same house

Hoping time would stand still

So you could just get enough sleep

To function

 To run yourself like a machine

Day after day

How silly it is

You never harnessed your potential

You never woke up an hour early

To live an hour more

You never read those 300 books

You kept collecting, dust

You never took that one trip

Never even got your passport

Never took a day to just explore

How silly it is

You detached living from life

You doubted every unique thought

Burst creativity like bubbles

Cleared your mind and hushed your longings

Just so you could listen to the cars drive by.

How silly

You never became an artist or a poet

You sold your passion

For enough to make this month’s rent

You dug a hole in your yard

Under the shade of a tree

You buried your coffin and left it empty

You realized each second

You were getting closer to death

And sealed your fate like a suicide bomber

You were ready to go

If it meant one less day

Working under someone else

How silly

You never worked for yourself

You never played like a child

You became an adult and instantly died

You instantly killed yourself

Told yourself you don’t need a suitcase

There’s not much out there, anyways.

Told yourself- it’s okay to just scrape by

It’s okay to never prosper

To never watch the sunrise

In anticipation of the coming day

To never bow your head

In appreciation, to kiss the earth

So everyone can share the joy

Of how happy you are to be alive

You compromised your values

To become a robot

You branded a few digits onto your skull

Hoping we would get the message

The only thing you ever looked ahead to

Were STOP signs and traffic lights

You went to bed early

And woke up late

So you didn’t have to fill the empty spaces

You convinced yourself there were none

You kept a shovel under your pillow

To remind you of your grave

You were blind to the beauty in the every day

But I refuse to live this way

What is settling down

If not putting an expiration date

On your years?

I want to cry out of happiness

I want to only stop to take it all in

I want to make this entire earth

My home

And my job- to serve everyone on it

I want to rise at dawn

And paint the sky with my toothbrush

I want to walk through the gardens

So I can see my heart in bloom

I want to use the wind as a guide

And head in whichever direction I sway

I want to honor the ones who put me here

By making the most of today.

I will not surrender my humanity

For comfort and convenience

I will not carve out my innards

Just so there is less weight to carry around

I will not step in line

With the others

And march towards the end

I will do all I can to live

And prosper

And change lives

I will use my fiery soul

To put an end to this nonsense

And the earth

Will never lose its glow again.

6/21/16

Smoke

My childhood smells like cigarettes

that wafting air that is the

fragrance of my parents’ love

and the signature of their separation

when your memories are filled with smoke

you grow to love the thing you hate the most

cough cough cough

watching as the poison seeps into their lungs

leaving almost no room for love

I love that tense air

the drug that colours my soul

that innocent little box

that over the counter exchange

that darling little smoke break

those darling little caramel coloured walls

in the most darling little house of them all

the sticky air that pervades my past

the drag that would turn out to be your last

the token of disintegration

when these walls aren’t the only things falling apart

when tar turns your whole life black

and all you want is to go back

and hold a little cigarette at your side

and pray that everything will go back

to dreamy clouds of cigarette smoke

where chemicals were a welcome force

and that little pack was the source

that held us together

to this day I can never say I truly hate

the smell of those little weapons of mass destruction

just a single noseful

can bring me back to simpler times

with simpler fights

and simpler lies

I miss the nights

the creamy sky

the amber lights

your dreamy eyes

that childhood guise

our intertwined lives.

11/26/15

This Life

And I am thankful

For all

For all of the relationships gone awry

All of the fuckboys

Who brought hate

Into my life

For the confusion

Over every single multitude

Of my identity

For all the nights I laid

Awake and cried

And wondered why

For the fact that I

Was afforded the small luxuries

Of paper and pen

Of a home and of Zen

Of a path with enough cracks

To reflect

Something so magical and twisted

Of a life

Filled with heartache and bizarre

Happiness in the most accidental places

Of new beginnings everyday

Of something I am

Always longing for

Yet never reaching

For without my words

For without poetry

My story would not have been told

And without this life

There would have been nothing to tell.

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