Why does your lack of words crush me?
It’s the loneliness
It’s the thirst
The love I’m convinced is disappearing
All the plans I made prematurely
Laughing at myself through tears now,
Only a fool lives in the future or the past,
I pull myself into and out of logic
Which is supposed to guide me.
Which is supposed to let me know the world is bigger than me
Which I’m supposed to latch onto like my last breath
But I choose right over left, emotions abiding
I let myself collapse like I think it’s entertaining.
Every time my breath stalls and my eyes well
I’m reminded of all the pain I’ve ever felt
Too many nights like this
Too many wasted hope in other humans
I heard “anything that costs you your peace of mind is too expensive”
And I agree. So why am I letting you take this from me?
Why am I giving you all I have and receiving nothing?
Why am I settling for nothing and convincing myself it is something?
Who am I kidding?
I turn away from you a thousand times before the last time, always faltering and returning to an entity I’ve crafted in my own mind
There’s nothing between us but stale air
Nothing but perplexion
I’m not sure what color the light is and whether I should stop or go
I’m not sure what to do when I’m stuck in between emotions
Reset needed. But how can I do this when functioning is my ultimate priority?
Over and over I try to pull myself out of my bed and my own head
Where the chaos happens
Over and over I make myself sick with careless thoughts that need not exist
I can’t get out of my own head
These blank walls from which no sound echoes back to me entrap me
I can’t move, I can’t speak
And there’s no one to speak to
There’s nothing to say that would make any sense to anyone outside of my body
I’m embodying every emotion I ever felt, and suffering greatly
Buddha taught, attachment is the root of all suffering
But I am struggling to live the life I know I should in this moment
I’m contradicting everything I know is right for my mind and soul
To obsess and obsess and obsess
There is no relief and I feel worse after
I need some closure before I never see you again
I need to know what was running through your mind when you decided to haphazardly bring me into your life
I’m not entitled to your words
But the comfort they would provide me is immeasurable
I’m more than this waiting game, and it, in fact,
Makes me feel smaller than I’ve ever felt before.
I deserve more.
And I will seek it for myself
Deep down I know I’m alright
Nothing lasts, all fades
Everything is impermanent
Even this hell.