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falling out of the sky

Why does your lack of words crush me?

It’s the loneliness

It’s the thirst

The hunger

The love I’m convinced is disappearing

All the plans I made prematurely

Laughing at myself through tears now,

Only a fool lives in the future or the past,

I pull myself into and out of logic

Which is supposed to guide me.

Which is supposed to let me know the world is bigger than me

Which I’m supposed to latch onto like my last breath

But I choose right over left, emotions abiding

I let myself collapse like I think it’s entertaining.

Every time my breath stalls and my eyes well

I’m reminded of all the pain I’ve ever felt

Too many nights like this

Too many wasted hope in other humans

I heard “anything that costs you your peace of mind is too expensive”

And I agree. So why am I letting you take this from me?

Why am I giving you all I have and receiving nothing?

Why am I settling for nothing and convincing myself it is something?

Who am I kidding?

I turn away from you a thousand times before the last time, always faltering and returning to an entity I’ve crafted in my own mind

There’s nothing between us but stale air

Nothing but perplexion

Mixed signals,

I’m not sure what color the light is and whether I should stop or go

I’m not sure what to do when I’m stuck in between emotions

Reset needed. But how can I do this when functioning is my ultimate priority?

Over and over I try to pull myself out of my bed and my own head

Where the chaos happens

Over and over I make myself sick with careless thoughts that need not exist

I can’t get out of my own head

These blank walls from which no sound echoes back to me entrap me

I can’t move, I can’t speak

And there’s no one to speak to

There’s nothing to say that would make any sense to anyone outside of my body

I’m embodying every emotion I ever felt, and suffering greatly

Buddha taught, attachment is the root of all suffering

But I am struggling to live the life I know I should in this moment

I’m contradicting everything I know is right for my mind and soul

To obsess and obsess and obsess

There is no relief and I feel worse after

I need some closure before I never see you again

I need to know what was running through your mind when you decided to haphazardly bring me into your life

I’m not entitled to your words

But the comfort they would provide me is immeasurable

I’m more than this waiting game, and it, in fact,

Makes me feel smaller than I’ve ever felt before.

I deserve more.

And I will seek it for myself

Deep down I know I’m alright

Nothing lasts, all fades

Everything is impermanent

Even this hell.

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poetry · Uncategorized

I, too, am human

I surrounded myself with souls who have bodies and found my borders within their territories
Knowing a person is traversing the map of a soul
I poured myself into our conversation, letting you know through eye contact, listening
that I acknowledge your aching existence
And I left my body for a moment
And saw us all, sitting around, bringing energies to each other, begging and pleading for someone to recognize that we were there
And I poured myself into your body to fill you up in all the places you were left alone
And I felt you doing the same
And in that unspoken devotion to a human I had yet to know on a deep level
I felt the depth of your being
Locked eyes, reminded you we are connected and deep down we know that
That you are magical evidence of the living spirit
And I am breathing back to you,
Echoing the sentiment in my own words.
Remembering, I, too, am human
And in this moment we are meant to cross paths
Celebrating that with a farewell
As sensible humans learn to do.

poetry · Uncategorized

if it’s meant to happen, it happens

What do you think is going to happen that isn’t meant to happen?
Don’t you think if my love for a stranger destroys my love for you there was never anything to destroy?
Don’t you know the nature of first words, and first loves?
And first worlds-
And this bed we make together is our own
And our heads falling together is my home even if I spend my day with someone who isn’t you and doesn’t say the things you say?
Wouldn’t that be okay?
If you just gave me a little space to walk away and tell myself these strangers are not you.
Whether that’s for better or worse,
Whether you’ll love me for better or worse
Whether you’ll wait for me to gather my love for you like frozen flowers beneath the Michigan snow.
It will take me time to realize all that you are offering me with your breath, and your eyes, and your intertwined palm in mine
I will have to collect my thoughts each time we say goodbye until I decide if I’ll ever want to say it for the last time
Because it’s impossible to know-
Isn’t it?
And if you know, I’m sorry
I’m sorry I break you with my every wavering inch
My questioning and inquiring about other souls
Is there a milder crime I could commit than give myself the chance to know who else is out there?
We didn’t sign a contract simply by loving
I haven’t signed myself away to one single love yet so let’s not prematurely end our curiosity and youth and surrender ourselves to the norms of living together and dying together even if we no longer serve each other
Do I serve you as a spotlight to your own glory?
Because you do that for me,
And it is precisely this:
Your investment in how I end up at the end of everything
That makes me hold myself to this commitment
To not assume what’s here is right
Or what’s now is only
To know if we can be happier, we should be
And that’s nothing against your brilliance
It’s everything supporting it
And I wish I had your resilience
Of loving without knowing
I wish we both knew that we would be in good hands- whether our own, or each other’s, or someone new- a budding possibility.
And what’s the probability I won’t sleep if I meet someone who makes me flutter like you make me?
Highly likely-
I’ll be lost,
Where I started
Stuck between only me and myself.

challenge · experience · inspiration · life · love · poetry · positivity · self help · society · truth · Uncategorized · writing

let’s not figure things out

Don’t ask me what my plans are

I’m still figuring them out

I’m still rearranging the ideas in my brain that dictate how I live my life

Convincing myself that each day it is okay for the future to change

I am not a liar for never doing those things I said I would

Because they turned out to not be what I wanted

It is okay for my idea of love to change from one to many

It is okay to see where everything goes before committing

Giving precedence to my mind’s health and the nourishment of my soul

It is okay to live according to the sun’s rising and falling

Following my natural impulses like an awakened cavewoman

Because all too often we ignore our impulses and follow the lead we are expected to

To convince others we are successful, we are where we are supposed to be

But maybe where I am supposed to be on a Friday afternoon is crying in the bathroom

Because my heart is bursting with love

And all of the feeling has returned to my body, all of the bliss that others bring me has boiled up,

And spilled over,

And I’ve spilled over,

Reminding myself I am human, not a people-pleasing machine

I am more than my ability to make others happy

I am more than the physical connection or listening ears I provide

I am a being simply because I am being,

My being does not depend on my utility to others

I am not just a tool for accomplishment,

Whatever that means to society

My idea is different,

More feeling comfortable and confident wherever I am,

Spending my time just how I would like to, and not how I feel obligated to

I believe in the inexplicable beauty of love.

Let’s not define things,

Let’s not stress or worry, or force our anxiety to act up

By convincing ourselves we need to do more, be more, live more

Let’s honor the place we are now and continue on the path that brings joy to our face

A warmth creeping up the corners of the lips, reaching out through the limbs of the body

Enabling us to love, naturally, freely, without obligation

Let’s not figure things out right now.

It’s better to live in this uncertain moment, and worship its divine possibility.

challenge · experience · friendship · inspiration · life · love · poetry · positivity · self help · society · support · truth · Uncategorized · writing

Lifted

Some would say I’m floating on a cloud

Because convention means nothing to me

I will save every penny

So I can afford to live my fantasy

Every day is a brick to build my dream house

And I am tired of hearing that

My youth dictates my naivety

That all of my experiences amount to nothing

Because I don’t have a trail of debts following me

That life will suddenly catch up to me

And I will find myself in your shoes.

But with all of the intentional decisions I have made-

Why do you think I will suddenly lose my autonomy

And forsake all I have worked for

To live a life of safety?

There is nothing within me begging for comfort

I force myself into discomfort so that with squirming I grow

I scare myself straight so that nothing may scare me

I experiment with life so that I find what feels right

Trusting my instincts in the path that I take,

And knowing that nothing is enough to be the end of my fate

Nothing is so threatening that I will succumb

To the societal forces that drive others numb

There is no living on a cloud when you come to accept

life is built from dreams when you take concrete steps

towards passion and purpose and a generous path

in which you unfold with joy and others can laugh

sharing in how life rarely goes as planned

but if you continue seeking better, in a paradise you’ll land

with contentment and success in the deepest sense

not a pawn in the mundane game, but forever blessed

embodying the living in life and accepting nothing less

than the fruits of your labor and lovingness

for all aspects of living a life of cold truth

that may pain you to follow but to which you must commit

that’s why I’m vowing when I’m young to never submit

to the easiest path of instant gratification

my dreams are worth more than an occasional vacation

I will build my dream life so there is no need for escaping.

experience · inspiration · life · love · poetry · positivity · truth · Uncategorized

breaking in half // sustaining this flame

When I think of you I break in half because you are not here to share the minutes and hours

You are not here to share the seconds between moments, where the indescribable happens

You are not here to share this bed and frame my head with yours

In your absence, I feel no touch, no kiss, no embrace to which I surrender

Nothing enchants me quite like these memories, I hold in my cerebrum like the antidote to all pain

Our passing moments, each day the ones I have forsaken to leave you crumble me into pieces

I struggle believing I could go on this way forever, in your absence

Missing your real-time emotions and laughter and energy and vibrancy

You are a light that feeds my soul, nothing compares to your hand I can hold

Nothing can replace your body, our love in a space and a time that is defined

Nothing can erase the heart palpitations the image of your presence brings

Sustaining this flame, I wait until I have my soul in full form again.

experience · inspiration · life · love · poetry · positivity · Uncategorized

How blessed I am, I cannot begin to comprehend

My life outstretched in front of me, I decided to extend my arms longer although I thought my arms had made up their mind. No farther.

I hijacked my body for hundreds of miles, although each fiber conspired to remain.

I lost everything that ever meant anything to me and found my meaning in having none of it.

I laughed at how painful it was to keep moving, and moving, and abandoning the world I had claimed previously.

Realizing, the world is not mine to claim.

I am simply its pawn.

It has claimed me and assigned me to this mission.

So if you love me, let me go far-

Let me go tell the others the heaven that awaits them

When they take that next step, and

Grasp their chance at living.

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