Dream House

What do you have to say for this love we built like sand castles

For the way you let my legs drape over your shoulders so that I could use our combined height

To create our dream house

For the way you stood on your tip toes and stretched your arms longer than I have ever witnessed

To build our dream house

For all of the wind and the weather and the waves we ignored to keep building and building, building

To create our dream house

What do you have to say for the fact that we chose a beach and we chose sand

To build our dream house

What do you have to say for the fact that we chose the water but we live in Michigan where it’s cold

What do you have to say for the fact that we took our separate dreams and amputated them from our bodies

To birth our dream house

What do you have to say for the fact that we let these limbs wash away

To create this dream house

What do you have to say- what do you think- what do you think about the separate realities we have attempted to merge

What do you have to say for the fact that I was building a sandy ranch on the beach and you wanted floors, and floors, you wanted a palace

What do you think about the fact that we were both working on the same house but a different dream

What do you have to say about the names I wrote in the sand, how I perfectly merged our names

How nothing ever really stays

in sand- it either blows away, or is crushed, or washes away

What do you have to say. What do you think about the fact that we have not washed away

But the floors of this dream house keep collapsing

Each gust of wind is like a spell against us

To build this dream house

What do you have to say of all the sand covered spells we cast on each other with eyes and tongues

What do you have to say of all the sand covered love we have shared in the sun

When the winter we live in has crept up slowly on our backs

And the tingle on my spine has a name written in the sand but it washed away with ours

And what do you have to say. What do you have to dream about anymore?

Now that the water has come and gone are the walls and the floors and every imaginary door

Of our dream house

sandcastle

 

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Alive and living

How silly it is

You once defined yourself

By numbers-

The total on your paycheck

The pounds on your scale

The years you have not yet surrendered

To the ever-present shadow of mortality.

How silly it is

You once praised yourself

For being one step closer

To retirement- to the end of a lifelong dream

To make a name for yourself

But you have sacrificed that

So you could build a savings

And die a boring, lonesome death

How silly it is

That your object of fascination is you

That you’ve spent each year

In the same house

In the same corner of the world

And left the rest unseen and untouched.

How silly it is

That you never questioned

The American Dream

That you never realized

Living paycheck to paycheck

You are bound to the bills

And there is no such word as “free.”

How silly it is

You enslaved yourself to your employer

And imprisoned yourself inside a single building

Filled with meaningless objects

That cost more than an interstate road trip.

How silly it is

You starved yourself

To work

But then you realized

You can’t eat money

And when you look under a microscope

A blank void stares back at you

It’s all the same.

How silly it is

You dropped that cap of yours

On the same pillow every night

Cocooned in the same blanket

Hiding out in the same bed

In the same room of the same house

Hoping time would stand still

So you could just get enough sleep

To function

 To run yourself like a machine

Day after day

How silly it is

You never harnessed your potential

You never woke up an hour early

To live an hour more

You never read those 300 books

You kept collecting, dust

You never took that one trip

Never even got your passport

Never took a day to just explore

How silly it is

You detached living from life

You doubted every unique thought

Burst creativity like bubbles

Cleared your mind and hushed your longings

Just so you could listen to the cars drive by.

How silly

You never became an artist or a poet

You sold your passion

For enough to make this month’s rent

You dug a hole in your yard

Under the shade of a tree

You buried your coffin and left it empty

You realized each second

You were getting closer to death

And sealed your fate like a suicide bomber

You were ready to go

If it meant one less day

Working under someone else

How silly

You never worked for yourself

You never played like a child

You became an adult and instantly died

You instantly killed yourself

Told yourself you don’t need a suitcase

There’s not much out there, anyways.

Told yourself- it’s okay to just scrape by

It’s okay to never prosper

To never watch the sunrise

In anticipation of the coming day

To never bow your head

In appreciation, to kiss the earth

So everyone can share the joy

Of how happy you are to be alive

You compromised your values

To become a robot

You branded a few digits onto your skull

Hoping we would get the message

The only thing you ever looked ahead to

Were STOP signs and traffic lights

You went to bed early

And woke up late

So you didn’t have to fill the empty spaces

You convinced yourself there were none

You kept a shovel under your pillow

To remind you of your grave

You were blind to the beauty in the every day

But I refuse to live this way

What is settling down

If not putting an expiration date

On your years?

I want to cry out of happiness

I want to only stop to take it all in

I want to make this entire earth

My home

And my job- to serve everyone on it

I want to rise at dawn

And paint the sky with my toothbrush

I want to walk through the gardens

So I can see my heart in bloom

I want to use the wind as a guide

And head in whichever direction I sway

I want to honor the ones who put me here

By making the most of today.

I will not surrender my humanity

For comfort and convenience

I will not carve out my innards

Just so there is less weight to carry around

I will not step in line

With the others

And march towards the end

I will do all I can to live

And prosper

And change lives

I will use my fiery soul

To put an end to this nonsense

And the earth

Will never lose its glow again.

6/21/16

Smoke

My childhood smells like cigarettes

that wafting air that is the

fragrance of my parents’ love

and the signature of their separation

when your memories are filled with smoke

you grow to love the thing you hate the most

cough cough cough

watching as the poison seeps into their lungs

leaving almost no room for love

I love that tense air

the drug that colours my soul

that innocent little box

that over the counter exchange

that darling little smoke break

those darling little caramel coloured walls

in the most darling little house of them all

the sticky air that pervades my past

the drag that would turn out to be your last

the token of disintegration

when these walls aren’t the only things falling apart

when tar turns your whole life black

and all you want is to go back

and hold a little cigarette at your side

and pray that everything will go back

to dreamy clouds of cigarette smoke

where chemicals were a welcome force

and that little pack was the source

that held us together

to this day I can never say I truly hate

the smell of those little weapons of mass destruction

just a single noseful

can bring me back to simpler times

with simpler fights

and simpler lies

I miss the nights

the creamy sky

the amber lights

your dreamy eyes

that childhood guise

our intertwined lives.

11/26/15