The nefarious prevail

It’s enough to be sad

You don’t have to cry

It’s enough to be in pain

You don’t have to keel over, bend over, fall to the floor writhing and screaming

They should know what they’re doing to you is eating your insides

They shouldn’t need to see your flesh decay

But maybe that’s what they want

Society is a story of power ending up in the wrong hands

The hands around my neck are celebrated

The dagger in my back is adored

It’s enough to exist outside the margins

You don’t need to be exiled, disposed of, deleted from the records

Living is suffering

They should already hear our screams.

My year in bites

January

I officially launched my anti-diet wellness program and moved into an apartment with my partner. 

February

I had a photo shoot with my partner and with my sister.

March

I enjoyed the unseasonably warm weather in Michigan by hiking and looked into adopting a bunny.

April

I started dog/animal sitting, adopted my first bunny, Blanco, and chopped off my hair.

May

I enjoyed more hiking, went to Ann Arbor, and took my dog to the beach so he could go swimming for the first time.

June

I did more pet sitting, went kayaking in Lansing with my partner, and went to a family party with my partner.

July

I visited Chicago with my best friend and went thrift shopping, went kayaking, went to a drag show, got amazing food, got tattoos for each other, and did a photo shoot with her; I also did a solo photo shoot.

August

I went up north with my family and partner.

September

My first program client finished the program and loved it,  celebrated Pride in Detroit and saw Cupcakke, and celebrated my birthday by seeing Hasan Minhaj.

October

I visited a new farm sanctuary and bonded with the animals, saw Princess Nokia in concert, and visited Grand Rapids; a second client joined my program.

November

I adopted my second bunny son after their first meeting went great.

December

My partner and I went to Barcelona for 10 days and LOVED it- the nature, the food, the culture, everything was awesome and we did a photo shoot that turned out incredible.

I also survived a global pandemic and mental health issues! A lot of bad happened as well, but I am choosing to focus on the good. I have learned a lot this year, and I am excited to move forward in life.

What I’m watching, reading, and listening to

Watching

I am A Killer on Netflix

Learn about how harm is committed and why prisons and policing do not prevent nor redress harm.

Insecure on HBO Max

Ready to see some black joy in the final season! I love Issa Rae.

Reading

Powerful messages that are benefiting my mental health and my understanding of others. I am increasing my empathy and forgiveness. This book is also serving as a great resource for the Buddhist group I lead which discusses relationship issues.

I am reading this for the Arabic language group I am a part of, though I am glad to finally read this classic. It is very quotable, and the wisdom is concise and coherent. It is a short and accessible read with a lot of value.

Listening to

My new favorite podcast! It debunks bullshit pseudo science. We need more real scientific info out there so people don’t have to deal with so much fear mongering around health. Life is hard enough without that BS.

I love the psychology behind cults and cult leaders. This led me down the rabbit hole of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). I have had a lot of realizations about my life experiences through my research.

My new favorite song. I admire Demi’s honesty and vulnerability. They are a force of power and strength that inspires me to continue sharing my struggles in order to benefit others.

Personal reflections on ableism

One of the tenets of disability justice is interdependence. The other principles are intersectionality, leadership of those most impacted, anti-capitalist politic, commitment to cross-movement organizing, recognizing wholeness, sustainability, commitment to cross-disability solidarity, collective access, and collective liberation (courtesy of sinsinvalid.org). Interdependence means we depend on each other. We fill in the holes where each other is unable to perform. This shouldn’t only apply to people with disabilities; this should be a basic guideline for society. Capitalism has corrupted our culture and forced us to be individualistic; it has taught us to be independent to a fault. We learn we shouldn’t depend on others, even though we all need to depend on others at times. People with disabilities are not the only people with “special” needs- everyone’s needs are special. Everyone deserves to have their needs met, by society, by their community, by the people around them who care about them. The society that we currently live in (in the U.S. and many other countries) is not able to meet people’s needs, because it has been designed to satisfy the desires of the greedy and power-hungry ruling class that owns the means of production. So it is no surprise that we have all learned to mimic this in our own circles. Dare I say, capitalism has led us to become cold, detached, emotionless, and neglectful to those in our life that need us most? It’s not far-fetched. Capitalism is one of the leading causes of mental illness. In the U.S. a majority of people struggle to survive and live paycheck to paycheck, constantly under the stress of one wrong move leaving them homeless or hungry. That stress, anxiety, and paranoia of poverty leads to mental health issues that often require treatment. I have seen poverty and trauma intertwine in my family to produce mental illness, which has made its way through my lineage to me. I live with diagnosed anxiety, depression , ADHD, and BPD (Borderline personality disorder). Although I receive treatment in the form of medication and talk therapy, they still impact me on a daily basis. Though my disabilities are invisible to others, I am disabled. 

There are two models of disability. The medical model portrays the disabled person as disabled, wrong, broken, incorrect, something to be fixed. The disabled person has a problem that needs to be fixed so they can conform to society. This reinforces capitalism and erases individual differences, which actually make society interesting and exciting. The social model of disability maintains that a disabled person is only considered disabled because they are DIS-ABLED, society DIS-ABLES them. There is nothing inherently wrong with them; their society is unable to meet their needs, which causes them undue hardship. As I mentioned, society is not engineered to meet the needs of anyone, especially not people with “extra” needs (not all disabled people have extra needs, they might just have different needs than are considered socially acceptable). Obviously I subscribe to the social model. Disabled people are different from others in ways that some may see as pronounced, but it is only really considered an issue because society is not able to support them. Some of the struggles I deal with on a daily basis are anxiety, worry, overthinking, executive dysfunction, sensory overload, emotional dysregulation, fear of abandonment, dependency on others for decision-making/reassurance, hopelessness, intrusive thoughts, loneliness, social isolation, problems socializing, low motivation, and no appetite or repulsion to food. If I didn’t live in a capitalistic society and instead lived in one built on interdependence and disability justice, I believe (1) I would not have developed these conditions, (2) society would not trigger me to be mentally ill because my basic needs would be met and I could focus on what makes me happy, and (3) the people around me would understand how to be there for me and DO it, so my symptoms would not be as severe. If such conditions were met, I might not even be considered “disabled” anymore. I am disabled now because of how difficult it is for me to live up to society’s expectations, but what if those expectations changed? I would still be me, I would still have certain needs, but society would be set up to fulfill everyone’s needs, and thus we could be there for each other, and we could thrive ourselves. At the center of every anti-oppression effort must be the struggle against capitalism. Capitalism is the ultimate manifestation of oppression- it organizes, sophisticates, and perpetuates oppression on the “industrial complex” level. It is a machine, an evil one, that we all must be set on destroying. The first thing you can do to be less ableist (harmful to disabled people) is to fight against capitalism. Support community efforts to help others, build support networks, and distribute resources. Educate yourself on concepts like Marxism, and help envision the future with others, together. I am communist because I believe a world can happen where we are not driven by greed. I envision a world where we can meet everyone’s needs. I know humanity is capable of providing for ourselves; we have exhibited this before. If you don’t believe in the fundamental opportunity of being a human then your imagination probably won’t go far. But then, maybe you’re just ignorant. Capitalism is relatively young. Across the world, many other social systems have existed and thrived. Do your research. Help us create a world that makes people able to thrive, not dis-ables them.

I didn’t really think of myself as disabled until I heard other mentally ill people refer to themselves as disabled and did some research. It was actually incredibly liberating to receive my diagnoses and to FINALLY acknowledge how difficult life was for me. My whole life, I have kept it together. I have barely shown anyone besides my partner the hell I deal with just to be alive. Society doesn’t make space for weakness, or vulnerability. I am vulnerable; I share with others lots of ugly things about my life, but I still show up as someone who appears okay. I am perceived as strong, successful, and self-sufficient, so nobody would consider me disabled. Even when I was in the hospital for my mental health, the social worker, upon finding out I was college educated and employed, said “you don’t belong here!!!” I wish I could say it surprises me that someone who interacts with disabled people daily still holds stereotypes about disabled people, but it doesn’t. Mental illness and disability do not discriminate. Anyone can be affected. And anyone, no matter how okay they seem on the outside, can deal with these things daily. I received my diagnoses two years ago, and I still am not receiving the support I need. I have been clear and up front with my friends what I need and what I go through. I have gone through many moments of being suicidal, and I have told them I deal with this frequently, but I still never receive texts asking how I am. This hits me particularly hard especially due to my BPD. I am already convinced no one cares about me. If someone you care about has a disability, it is YOUR obligation to do research and figure out how to be there for them how they need. I have been told my needs from loved ones are unreasonable and my standards are too high, but the more I reflect on this, I think it is ableist. Would people say this to someone in a wheelchair? My disabilities are invisible, so I receive a lot more stigmatization and judgement. People think I am over-reacting, even when I am suicidal. They obviously don’t know that 70% of people with BPD attempt suicide, and 10% are successful in that. BPD is a highly stigmatized disorder, maybe even more so than bipolar, which is similar, but different. When people think of bipolar, they are usually actually thinking about the symptoms of BPD. Yet nobody thinks BPD is that serious, or that detrimental to a person’s well-being. I feel like I am screaming in pain, yet pleading for people to hear me. 
I have decided I will no longer expend energy on keeping people in my life who do nothing to prove they want to be there. If you are unwilling to meet my needs, I have no reason to have you in my life. It is difficult enough for me to just live, let alone deal with constant crushing disappointment at the failures of others to even try to understand or empathize with what I go through. I am working on lessening my symptoms. I am working on being more independent and self-sufficient. I am working on creating my own happiness. But none of that means that I have no right to expect others to fulfill some of my needs. Society is *supposed to* function to meet people’s needs; communities are supposed to function to meet people’s needs. It is only because of capitalism that we have become accustomed to neglecting people’s needs, even our own. Just because it is commonplace does not mean it is acceptable, and it is not something I will accept from those around me. We shouldn’t sink into the despicable society we live in; we should take on the responsibility of helping create a much more healthy and fulfilled society. Don’t we all want to be fulfilled? Instead of neglecting others and hyper-focusing on ourselves, we should be organizing to dismantle capitalism and create a society that works for everyone. People have adapted to capitalism in the worst ways. I don’t think we should be adapting to survive and simultaneously accepting this toxic hyper-individualistic world. We should be doing what we can to meet everyone’s needs. I can no longer keep people around who do not think this way, and I know that means many people will fall out of my life, and that’s okay. I am looking for the people I can stick with in a revolution. Right now I am focusing on finding my own peace and happiness before I try bringing anyone new into my life, due to my dependent tendencies. I can’t speak for everyone with disabilities, but I want people to see my disabilities, to acknowledge them, to ask about them. I want to be seen as the whole of me, which includes disability, which is perfectly okay. There is nothing “wrong” with me, just the way the world excludes me from so-called normalcy. If you can’t see my disability, you can’t see the real me. And with such a great proportion of the population being disabled, you aren’t really seeing anyone. You’re seeing us, but you’re missing a core part of who we are and what our struggles are. If you don’t know my struggles, how do you know what to fight for in our future? I truly believe we can do better than this. We all have internal and external work to do to show up in the world the way we should. I don’t ask for your work to be done, I just ask to know that you are doing it, that you care about your role in perpetuating oppression, that you denounce oppression, that you support revolution, and support me. Every small way that you support a marginalized person becomes a big way to transform the world. Don’t underestimate the impact of your actions, but make it known that you are trying and always willing to do better. Always do better; never stop improving. We need people who are willing to be held accountable for how they show up and how they don’t show up. We need people who think the betterment of society is worth more than protecting their egos. We need people to understand and uphold disability justice, not just conceptually, but physically, literally. I need people in my life who are committed to these things. I need to know that people see me for who I really am: a multitude of things, a conglomeration of special abilities and special needs, a provider for others and a needer of others, a success and a failure, often in the same day, a person who exists in this world and didn’t ask to be born, but deserves to experience life like an easy breath, not a labored one.

On misogyny, queer misogyny, and a new kind of fire

As a woman in this world I have grown accustomed to misogyny. The earliest memory I have of sexism is being told in elementary gym class I could do “girl push-ups.” I was just as restless then as I am today and always did the full version of every exercise. How was I going to get strong if I never challenged myself? Why were girls not encouraged to be strong? Throughout primary school boys would try to flirt with me by offering to hold my stuff or carry heavy things for me. Towards the end of primary school I learned what sexual harassment was, although I didn’t know it by name then. Boys tried to touch me, tickle me, and chase me at recess while I screamed at them to stop. They did not. By sixth grade every boy in my classroom would use sexual innuendos with me against my wishes. I wanted to avoid boys at all costs. I just wanted to be with my friends and escape the endless sexual attention from boys, but I quickly learned that was the only kind of attention I would get from the heterosexual boys. In middle school, it meant I adapted to this behavior and sought out male attention. It was validation. My body grew more curvy and I loved to wear tight-fitting clothing, but I was told many times by teachers and school administration that my outfits were inappropriate. I was told to wear my winter coat over a dress. I was told to find pants in the lost and found and change out of my shorts on the last day of ninth grade. I was made to believe my body was inherently sexual. I couldn’t show my shoulders or my legs because it was too sexual, and it would distract the heterosexual boys. I didn’t understand why my body was sexual and thus had to be hidden but boys in my school could wear tank tops and shorts without anyone making a big deal out of it. I learned about double standards, and I learned I had to accept them because it wasn’t going to change. I was socialized in the culture of this country that believes that women are to be silent, only speaking up when asked to, and sexual, only pleasing men when asked to. My body wasn’t for me, my voice wasn’t for me. I was to bow to others and serve. Of course, because I am a “natural born mother”, I must be a caretaker to everyone who needs care. I must be a people-pleaser to everyone who asks anything of me. This became me. I was the “yes” person all the way through college. The few times I did speak up and express my viewpoint I was called a bitch, a rude person, disrespectful. I was told to just be silent. Go with the flow. But I was a leader. I am a natural born leader and everyone knows leaders don’t lead by being silent and unmoved. Most leaders are men and men can get away with anything, so it was never a surprise that a woman doing so would be interpreted so negatively.

I constantly struggled with managing people’s expectations of me. How should a woman in charge act? I have always been very serious about my morals and ethics. I have integrity because I don’t make exceptions for my morals, and I freely share this information with others. I know very few people who are as committed as I am to doing what’s right. I do everything in my power to not negatively impact any living being or process in the universe. I stand for justice and I am fiercely political because I am fiercely invested in the well-being of everyone. We live in an extremely unequal society that is sickened by capitalism, and I want to do everything in my power to resist this. Most people are apathetic to what’s going on around them. I try to shake and wake those people up so they can take their part in the movement towards a better society. I realize as a woman I am perceived as extreme and radical for doing this. The first major life change I took was going vegan for the animals in 2015. A year later I watched The True Cost and swore off fast fashion. I have not bought anything but thrifted clothes or clothes from sweatshop free and eco-friendly companies since then. Then I delved into reducing my personal waste, recycling, reusing anything I could, swearing off certain wasteful products for good. I committed to many issues at once. I am always reading about how I can do better, be better, hence why I have a podcast called Do Better Podcast. I think the only thing that matters in life is our ethics- the impact we have on the world with our actions. I always want to stand on the right side of history. I am always willing to change a behavior of mine to be less harmful to the planet. I try to inspire others to be this engaged and connected to the universe. I was a very, very involved animal rights activist from the time I went vegan all throughout college, and I always combined my vegan activism with spreading awareness of other social justice issues, because I am well aware of the intersecting class, race, and ability issues with going vegan for some people. I try my hardest to not be a single issue activist, or to be colorblind (referring to racism that functions by denying the role of race in social injustices), or to ignore any issue at any time. We must simultaneously work on being our best selves and work on liberating our fellow humans so they too can be their best selves. Self-actualization is impossible if you don’t have your basic needs met.

So I think we can all always do better in some way, and I push and challenge those around me to do so. This has often not been well received by privileged folks who are in denial of how they contribute to social inequality. No one wants to admit they are part of the problem, and yet people continue to suffer gravely. Being a female leader has been challenging because I always feel my word is doubted, whether I am relaying factual information or using emotional appeals. I am also in the fitness industry and have been passionate about fitness for a long time, but I am constantly corrected by men on things I know are true. I try not to interact with many men because I have faced so much harassment, sexual and non-sexual, and I am terrified of being assaulted. The proportion of women who are assaulted by men is staggering (1 in 5 is a common statistic). I can’t take my chances and trust men. I have, and I have been physically stalked and verbally harassed because of it. I learn from experience. I learn what not to do, who not to trust, and that has become most cisgender men. I have become increasingly furious over gender inequality in recent years as I have watched man after man get away with serious crimes. The rapist Brock Turner is a prime example. I do believe him being white also plays a part in his mere six month jail sentence. But there are other famous cases of celebrities being absolutely evil and abusing and raping women and children and still being idolized. Michael Jackson and Kobe Bryant come to mind. I will always maintain the stance that just because someone dies does not make them a good person. It is also horrifying that a man can literally admit to raping a woman and be publicly forgiven, yet a woman can’t even make a minor mistake without her career being ruined. I remember Kathy Griffin’s beheaded Trump photo and how it almost ruined her career for good. Her speaking out against the horrible hateful dictator we have as a president is worse than raping someone? I have seen women dragged in the media for any small thing, and often for changes in their bodies, since they are expected to follow society’s beauty standards, and yet male celebrities can literally assault people and still be considered national treasures. Sickening.

Everything I have learned and observed plus my cumulative life experiences have made me extremely bitter and angry. I recognize I am a white woman, so I don’t even have the worst of it, and that makes me even madder. The pain wrenches deep in my body and makes me hate and distrust almost everyone. As a queer woman I have tried to find refuge in the queer community, but I have not found out. It turns out queer people hate women too. I speak from many experiences, but my most recent experience still stings the most. I recently joined the board of an organization called Stonewall Sports that has queer sports leagues that play for fun and raise money for charity. This organization exists all over the country, but my experience is with the one in Detroit. The latter part of 2019 I started a queer yoga meetup group. I missed teaching yoga, and I wanted to meet some other queer people and make new friends. I only had two meetings, and ultimately had more support on Facebook than actual people who showed up, but my online presence led the leader of Stonewall Detroit to reach out and ask if I wanted to teach yoga for the organization. I was excited about the prospect of reaching more people and being more effective with the same goals I had for my own queer yoga group, so I agreed. Yoga was to be my baby, I was to lead the process. What unfolded over the several months we planned yoga was not pretty, and I did not lead the process. Every time I could give an opinion, I was ignored, talked over, or (literally) laughed at. I was scolded for missing events and meetings because I was working or traveling when I had already made the board leader aware of my schedule. I put in a lot of work planning yoga, but was told it was already planned at the last minute and I essentially just had to show up. The one social event I made it to I was struck by the lack of women in the organization. There were three as far as I know (I do not know how everyone identifies) and a lesbian couple I talked to told me they agreed that the club was not very diverse. It also lacked racial diversity. For a Detroit organization in a city that is 90% black, I saw maybe two people of color at the social gathering and as far as I know there was only one person of color on the board. When I joined I was told they had a “diversity and inclusion” person on the board but only heard that they dealt with fee waivers- letting people participate in the sports for free if they stated they could not afford to otherwise. After months of being treated like garbage by an all-male board, I finally stood up for myself and said it came off as very misogynistic that my views were never respected. The response I got was effectively gaslighting. The board leader said it was awful of me to call him misogynistic and took no accountability for his actions. He said, “it’s not your tone that is disrespectful, it’s the words you choose.” Now I was being told by a man which words I could and could not use, and that was enough. I quit the organization in person, and it felt so liberating. 2020 was my year to stop taking other people’s shit!

But what happened was disheartening, and it’s not an isolated case. The queer community has long been an exclusive space. The show POSE on FX highlights how hateful cisgender gay men have been of transgender people, cisgender women, and lesbians for decades. I have personally witnessed this hatred in the queer community. I was naive to think queer spaces would be any different than the rest of society. It’s a boys’ club. Women, non-binary folks, and transgender folks are not taken seriously, excluded, laughed at, and harassed. The face of Pride is a skinny cisgender white homosexual man. One of the last things I said to the board leader (who fits this description) before I quit and walked out was this: “Queerness is more than this. You need more women. You need more people of color. Queerness is so much more than this.” I have heard countless stories on the internet of gender-oppressed folks talking about how exclusive queer spaces can be. I still haven’t found any place that feels entirely welcoming, and I can only imagine how much worse it is for those who are not cisgender like I am, because I can fit into straight spaces and cisgender spaces, even though I don’t emotionally fit in or connect with those groups. I can pretend to feel at home, though I don’t. Many people who don’t present themselves in a socially conventional way can’t pretend to fit in anywhere, because they are not welcomed and they will be pushed out. I wish for a queer community that embraces everyone and highlights and amplifies the voices and self-expression of those who have been pushed out and shut down, which historically is not white men. Now that the world is becoming more open to queerness, white gay men need to realize they have had their time in the spotlight. Most mainstream media with queer characters have featured white gay men. Lesbians are often the punchline in shows like Friends and even the more recent show Modern Family. There is a very clear message sent to non-male queer people: you are not valid, you are not important, you are not seen. I don’t want to echo this in anything I am involved in which is why I could no longer be a part of an organization I knew was squandering my voice because I am a woman. The board leader before I quit bragged to me that so many people have come and gone from the organization because they “couldn’t handle it.” His complete lack of self-awareness floored me. I realized these board members were probably from other oppressed groups and probably quit for the same reason I did. My heart wrenches for those people, and I can only imagine how many organizations on a national level are reinforcing oppression while claiming to work against it.

I want to believe there are organizations and efforts out there that are working effectively by everyone, for everyone, and with everyone. I am still searching for one, but I am realizing I may need to start my own. I am still figuring out how to best use my limited time and resources to support the most people. I do not prioritize myself or my voice but I recognize my mind is valid. My thoughts are valid. I have been told my entire life that the only thing of value about me is my body because it can be used to please men, but I am untangling this ideology that has brainwashed me. Little by little, year by year, I am standing up for myself. I am cutting men off and letting them know I will not be their puppet and I will not continue to be silenced. I have a voice, and I use it not just for myself but for all the other oppressed groups who are ignored and excluded. I use my voice and exert my power to resist oppression wherever I find it, even if it’s in my own backyard. I denounce policing the way marginalized folks express themselves, and validate anger, sorrow, distrust, and bitterness towards one’s oppressors. I believe and listen to experiences of others going through similar and worse situations to what I went through with Stonewall. I reject being a people pleaser and a male-pleaser and I commit to pleasing myself and working for the greater good regardless of who I piss off. I criticize my leaders, I criticize myself as a leader and a follower, and hold everyone to the same moral standard. I cease to internalize my oppression so I can stop the cycle and force a man to question the way he uses his privilege to brutalize. I don’t just hope for better, I help make things better by practicing what I preach, by being fearless, charging forward, focusing on the effectiveness of my efforts, and caring for my soul at the same time by not allowing others to squander me any longer. I believe in callout culture/accountability culture fully, and although this is only one small instance, by sharing my story I am re-emphasizing the importance of standing up for oneself and doing what’s right. Whenever it arises, we must resist oppression. We must call out oppressors. We must risk our public reputation, our friendships, and our personal stake in things to stand for what’s right not just when it is convenient, but ALL THE TIME. I know as a woman I am expected to keep the peace, but I refuse to do so while so many people suffer in our broken system. I refuse to be complicit in situations of injustice. I vow to liberate myself whenever possible by not allowing men to treat me poorly or objectify me. I have a life of trauma under my belt as a queer woman, and I will always be working against messages society sends me about who I should be, but I know I am strong enough to keep pushing and creating a better world. I know how convenient it would be if I believed them every time they told me I should do a “girl push-up” or the metaphorical equivalent of that throughout my entire life, but I have always resisted. I have actively defied norms my entire life until I have gotten to my emotional breaking point where I will not tolerate any more misogyny. This resistance has become my means of living. Although I embody physical strength in every sense, this vigor is more than a physical emanation. I am more than my human body. My grit shines forth from the blood of this trauma and lights my path forward. I am no longer what anyone expects me to be. I am a new kind of fire.

pleasure activism: early reflections

Pleasure activism came to me at the most perfect time. A time when I am still grasping the territory between restriction and indulgence. Refrain and obsession. Asceticism and hedonism. Still trying to understand the meaning of those words and how they fit into my life and my behaviors. I have walked this territory since I was a girl, too young to have the knowhow to go and learn for myself what it was to exist in my female body. Too young to do anything but accept what everyone around me said about the nature of life, of gender, of self-expression, of relationships. Too young to have the framework to understand the role of capitalism in the abuse of our pleasure bodies. Too young to connect my father working 70 hours a week to survive to a greater system of inequality, to something we need not have in this country but something which has been chosen for us. Something that no one in office, whether Democrat or Republican, has been committed to abolish. A system that values bodies based on the direct financial equivalent of their labor. A system that exploits female labor and makes the mere act of being a woman a job. I feel like I have been working for so long, I have been working to please men and everyone around me. I have been working to shave my legs and clip my nails and buy the right clothes for the right occasions. I have been working to memorize the faces of sex offenders in my area and take self defense classes when available. I have been working to perfume myself and do my eyebrows and please myself when I am alone because I know it isn’t anyone’s priority to do so. I have been working to market myself as a digestible package when I know I am not. I have been working to accept my mental health as satisfactory and proclaim myself healed when sudden outbursts of tears still come and flashes of the faces of people I used to love still haunt me. I have been working to arrange the words I would say to those who have hurt me, taken advantage of me, objectified me, and discarded me like they have learned to do with women if I ever ran into them in the grocery store parking lot, which is where I inevitably feel it will happen. I have been working to release this sigh I have been holding for so long and let go of all the standards that I have maintained whether consciously or consciously, standards which cost my time, money, physical and emotional energy, and standards of which I no longer wish to partake. I am re-defining what it means to be alive, and I realize this is a very weighty statement and its heaviness on me right now might not resonate in your body, but it is my living experience and I write it into being so I know it is real. So I understand that when I decided I didn’t need to be happy and finding pleasure in life is selfish and unnecessary, I was dead wrong. I was harming myself by denying pleasure. I was harming myself by withholding food, treats, sitting, and stillness. I was not living the whole of the experience of having a body that moves and breathes like I want it to. I was internalizing the labor is life value so thick in our bones and treating myself as my own employee. I still make to-do lists like they are my will, like a day without checking anything off the list is a total utter waste though I know it’s not. I still have to convince myself it’s okay to take rest, to eat sugar, to please myself. I was confused for a while in the middle of pleasure and pain- I was confused if I needed pleasure for myself or if it was my job just to provide it for others. Yet I cannot provide something I do not know the name of, I cannot be of service to others if I do not serve myself first, I cannot be a teacher of something I have never studied. Like I cannot talk to others about their mental health until I get mine in a safe place. I cannot talk about exercise until I feel secure in my regime rather than shackled. There’s a major difference between tying your meaning to an object or a habit and letting that thing remind you of your internal peace. I am trying to operate from the place of internal peace, settled-ness, and satisfaction, because I can grapple that that matters in the grand scheme of things. Some days I never sit down except to eat. I went days without sitting on my couch once. I went a year without watching TV. I have a hard time operating in the space of rest because I fear laziness and addiction to things that are bad for me, like technology and sugar. I fear I will spiral and fail to progress personally and spiritually if I open my door to things that aren’t directly productive. I fear my worth will be reduced if I am no longer a leader but a spectator. I hate being a spectator because I don’t feel in control of my journey. I know I am but I also know I am not in the sense that the universe is my guide and things will work out. I am questioning where my motivations come from for my actions, whether I am doing something because I feel I have to or for some desired end result or if I am doing it for the pure joy of doing it, (it is very rarely the latter). I am finding more pleasure in the tiny moments no one else notices. I am dancing to the fridge instead of walking, singing in the shower, and stretching my muscles during conversations with friends. I am doing what feels right in the moment despite the social consequences. Despite being the different one and honestly I am confused and scared of that, because maybe I have made some mistakes in my life. I had a dream I took acid and it lasted a few minutes but was wonderful and magical and I woke up and wanted to take acid immediately but remembered I decided at the age of nineteen I would never touch drugs or alcohol based off one bad experience. I question if I could have grown from further experimentation. I question why I close myself off from things after one bad experience. Why I delete dating apps when people use me, why I quit drugs when I get too high, why I stop drinking soda when I get into health and fitness. I question whether living a life of all or nothing has cut me off from some potential pleasure and what the line is between treating yourself and harming yourself, and if unhealthy things are ever worth bringing into our lives. I question why I feel like an object, and how this has to do with my career choices and interactions with many, many men in many different corners of the world and observing their words and actions towards me, a perceived desirable female. I question how I have performed for others for far too long, and the shock and isolation that comes when I stop and how this often means less talking and more thinking, and how people aren’t ready for that because I have always been the talker with original ideas and thoughts or maybe I just listen to the most podcasts out of all of my friends. I question whether I have created a role for myself to fill and now every day is a task to fill it honorably. I question how to quit this, how to quit a previous existence and file yourself into a different drawer, or maybe throw out the whole damn thing and let everything about you comprise its own planet. We are not just one thing- we are so many different things, and I feel people have a hard time grasping this about me especially because I have done such an excellent job sticking to the mold of myself. In depression, in sadness, in fear, in panic attacks, in pain, in isolation, I am the same to them so it would be a shock for them to know I live through all. And when I finally decide to uncover other parts of myself that don’t fit the mold I am met with judgment and disgust at my life decisions. I am met with anger that I am no longer the person they thought I was, I am so much more and they can’t handle it. I feel I am too much for too many, or perhaps this is what I fear and this is why I prefer to be a thinker than a speaker and to be alone than with a group who could never understand why I move my body the way I do. That when I dance, it’s pure bliss. That when I chant and sweat and ache, it’s pure bliss. That when I write something the way it sounded in my head, it’s pure bliss. I am on my own plane and disconnected from so many and just watching everyone else go by. I can observe without becoming because I have focused on my own mind for so long. What scares me about pleasure activism is losing mindfulness and falling into bad habits. I have worked to cultivate a lifestyle that works for me and I must respect it, while still finding pleasure and not just discipline. Life is meant to be enjoyed, and I need to be very real with myself about the aspects of mine that I do not enjoy. I need to cultivate each moment with lovingkindness for myself and everyone else. I am worthy of love despite the messages others send me about their perceived value of me. I am worthy of respect despite the failure of others to grasp my being, despite my inability to be shrunk down and fit into their hands. I am moving beyond the binaries, I am starting to think about what it means to be a woman and if I really fully identify with that. I am wondering why I was labeled a woman and how free I would be if I never was, if I lived in an unnamed territory. I am wondering what queer means to me and how I can live in that authenticity because I have yet to encounter anything but confusion and denial from others. I am wondering why words are so important to us in our identities, and what it would mean if I had no gender, no sexual orientation, no religion. If I wore whatever I wanted and didn’t worry about the way people perceived these aspects of me, that being a tomboy doesn’t make me a lesbian and that my only fear around this is leaving the space of pleasing men and subsequently receiving their attention, which is how I was socialized to behave in the realm of gender. I am leaving the realm of performing my gender identity to receive rewards from men. I am understanding that it is not my job to please anyone but myself, that it is okay for a hand to wander, that I am not impure based off my sexual behavior or large number of partners or true deep desire that often goes unfulfilled because I was convinced that desire was brainwashing. Sometimes desire feeds a deeper part of us that helps us exist in the world with more ease, smoothness, and collected energy which is then available to do something beautiful. Loving ourselves is beautiful, and it involves the hard and profound work of dissecting everything about our choices and making the best ones for the very root of our being. It means unpacking our social conditioning and living in our own plane, while accepting the stigmatization, prejudice, and violence which will accompany this. It means realizing we are oppressed anyways, so we might as well live the lives we want while we fight to eradicate the current system which truly doesn’t satisfy anyone on the deepest spiritual level which is necessary if we can become really settled in our bodies. It means accepting others and yourself where you are today, and realizing healing is a journey, and maybe today isn’t a day we are going to think about that recent traumatic event, but we will eventually work through our history so we don’t become its victim. It means sticking to a schedule that works for you but building in time and space to do whatever is needed that day, wherever, without guilt or shame for not accomplishing an externally defined goal. Dancing is not a goal. Singing is not a goal. Likewise, living is not a goal. The purpose of living in the context of our own satisfaction is liberation from the constraints that keep us oppressed every second, from the constraints our parents and grandparents were subjected to without ever escaping. The purpose is to transcend the suffering rationed for us, because we all have some suffering to do before we die but suffering and pleasure are two steps on the same path towards an awakened consciousness in our being which we can use to awaken and liberate others, so that we can all live from a place of wholeness instead of scarcity. Wholeness does not require obtaining anything. It takes no money. It is simply respecting everything we are right now and everything we will ever be as a part of the unique journey which is only ours to live. It is not becoming the victim of our circumstances, but accepting them and moving towards something much more important than the individual ego in all of us, but the collective divinity which is unstoppable when healthy and supple. It is moving towards this- not in weariness, not in desperation, not holding onto our last breath, but with grace, power, ease, confidence, and understanding, a sensation which only comes from honoring the deepest parts of ourselves.

 

Note: I wrote this after dancing to old Britney Spears and making tofu tacos. I wrote this after a day of peace with mine and others’ bodies. I wrote this when I was ready to. 

I was scared to be an atheist

I was scared to be an atheist

I thought I’d rot in hell

For loving women and questioning God

Doubting every word I read

The only time I tried the Bible

I almost threw it right away

The words screaming from the page

God doesn’t save you if you’re gay

I read the Gita just to learn

Found atheists weren’t welcome here, either

Found my faith was no faith

Heaven or Hell:

My existence was neither

In purgatory I was stuck

Between hope and dejection

Thought if I sought refuge in any religion

All I’d encounter was rejection

So I decided religion wasn’t for me

I couldn’t deal with the preaching

Only went to church twice,

Didn’t see any reason

I shunned belief systems by day

By night I prayed

Knew I was doing it wrong,

Only asking God for protection

Fearing death and damnation,

I took the shortcut to salvation

Tricked myself into thinking I was a believer

When every mention of God made me shudder

Feared the religious around me

Who would judge the gender of my lover

Remembered my grandma’s words many years ago

“If you don’t believe, you won’t be saved”

Always in the back of my mind

Being saved, but saved from what?

It took two decades to break down

The conditioning and confusion

It took two decades to decide

God was not the problem

It took two decades for me to say

I am an atheist

You may believe, but I do not

And I can’t keep lying to myself

Can’t keep faking prayers

When I know there’s no one up there

Can’t hold onto this fury for the faithful

Can’t keep judging the judgmental

Can’t keep rejecting all religion

Can’t identify with any of it

So I found another path,

Simply by following the direction I was already headed

Simply by allowing my beliefs to manifest however they needed

A wondrous gift fell in my lap,

I said,

It’s not religion,

It’s not God,

It’s not fragile,

So I’m safe

I mistakenly assumed

These were the greatest threats

Rather than my own interpretation of the texts

Slowly I am letting go of years of pain

Disappointment

Fear

And anger

Slowly the skeptic is opening her heart to the world

Embracing life without dogma,

Belief that feels natural

Belief that feels guiltless

Belief rooted in awareness

As I uncover more and more of the truth

I am not afraid any longer-

I am not afraid to die

I am not afraid to make my own path

I am not afraid to be a nonbeliever

I am not afraid to be a believer

Opening myself to the diversity of thought

Absorbing the messages that resonate,

And leaving the rest

Knowing I am safe and sure

I am not afraid to be atheist.

reconciling my body with my mind

Exercise was never meant to be a punishment

You only made it that because you internalized society’s messages

Thought the way your body looked mattered

Rather than the way it functioned to help you achieve your goals

You convinced yourself it was good for you

It was good to run your body into the ground and do the most you could every day to never miss a chance to be fit

Because fit was the ultimate

You were offended when people didn’t know how fit you were because they didn’t see you with all your clothes off and your muscles didn’t protrude through your shirt

You were offended that all your hard work still never meant you’d be considered stronger than any single man

You were determined to live up to your body’s highest potential like an athlete

You developed a disorder common amongst athletes to prove you were one

Wanted everyone to know you didn’t have a normal human body

You were far worthier

Worked far harder

Ate far healthier

Than the majority of society

Who was fat, lazy, and unhealthy

Health was your shield to be fatphobic

Health was your excuse to love your body because of the way it looks

Health was in the back of your mind the whole time you pushed yourself beyond the limits of a teenage girl

Removing yourself from typical teenage girl experiences like eating ice cream and pizza

Convincing yourself sugar was the monster

When it was really yourself

And now-

Believing in so much more than athleticism,

So much more than body fat composition and muscle growth

So much more than tracking your sugar consumption

Centering yourself on enjoying life and all your body can do but not letting life revolve around it

Finding rest, contentedness, the occasional piece of chocolate

Savoring the taste, reminding yourself health is not the rent you pay to exist in this world

Fat bodies are just as divine as slim bodies

There is nothing healthy about being obsessed with health

And you’ll never allow yourself to dilute your purpose like that again

Moving from a place of gratitude, moving as an act of love, moving because you want to, not because you have to.

falling out of the sky

Why does your lack of words crush me?

It’s the loneliness

It’s the thirst

The hunger

The love I’m convinced is disappearing

All the plans I made prematurely

Laughing at myself through tears now,

Only a fool lives in the future or the past,

I pull myself into and out of logic

Which is supposed to guide me.

Which is supposed to let me know the world is bigger than me

Which I’m supposed to latch onto like my last breath

But I choose right over left, emotions abiding

I let myself collapse like I think it’s entertaining.

Every time my breath stalls and my eyes well

I’m reminded of all the pain I’ve ever felt

Too many nights like this

Too many wasted hope in other humans

I heard “anything that costs you your peace of mind is too expensive”

And I agree. So why am I letting you take this from me?

Why am I giving you all I have and receiving nothing?

Why am I settling for nothing and convincing myself it is something?

Who am I kidding?

I turn away from you a thousand times before the last time, always faltering and returning to an entity I’ve crafted in my own mind

There’s nothing between us but stale air

Nothing but perplexion

Mixed signals,

I’m not sure what color the light is and whether I should stop or go

I’m not sure what to do when I’m stuck in between emotions

Reset needed. But how can I do this when functioning is my ultimate priority?

Over and over I try to pull myself out of my bed and my own head

Where the chaos happens

Over and over I make myself sick with careless thoughts that need not exist

I can’t get out of my own head

These blank walls from which no sound echoes back to me entrap me

I can’t move, I can’t speak

And there’s no one to speak to

There’s nothing to say that would make any sense to anyone outside of my body

I’m embodying every emotion I ever felt, and suffering greatly

Buddha taught, attachment is the root of all suffering

But I am struggling to live the life I know I should in this moment

I’m contradicting everything I know is right for my mind and soul

To obsess and obsess and obsess

There is no relief and I feel worse after

I need some closure before I never see you again

I need to know what was running through your mind when you decided to haphazardly bring me into your life

I’m not entitled to your words

But the comfort they would provide me is immeasurable

I’m more than this waiting game, and it, in fact,

Makes me feel smaller than I’ve ever felt before.

I deserve more.

And I will seek it for myself

Deep down I know I’m alright

Nothing lasts, all fades

Everything is impermanent

Even this hell.

The case for conflict

It’s no secret that I’ve gotten into a lot of conflict in my life. I frequently have conflict with people and I’ve been trying to figure out why and how to avoid it or make it less volatile for a while. What I have come up with is a combination of different causes and solutions, which includes causes like my blunt personality which provokes others, and solutions like being more aware of the way my words are perceived by others even when I do not mean harm by them. Communication is an art that few have mastered and that few really even practice today. I have gotten so bold and fearless in terms of communication and confronting people in difficult situations because I realized that is the only way that we can resolve issues; otherwise we’re left without closure and an un-answered argument. It doesn’t give us much understanding of others if we don’t try to understand their perspective. I could talk forever about our issues with communication today and how technology has exacerbated them, with disturbing trends like “ghosting,” where people simply cut off communication with someone online without warning, something that is even being done now to employers by their employees. I think that’s a topic for a different time, and for now I want to focus on the topic of conflict.

Most people regard conflict as a negative thing, and something to avoid or at least minimize in life. Conflict is not fun or comfortable. I have had panic attacks, cried, and been hurt deeply from conflict with various people in my life. I’ve had to come to terms with losing a lot of relationships because of inefficient communication causing conflict, which is the main cause and solution of it. Conflict can be resolved by healthy communication; without that, chances are you will not resolve it and you will have to just leave that relationship without closure. I admit I have shied away from conflict, communication, and confrontation before when I’ve had issues with someone in the past, such as an employer who I decided to stop working for once the semester was over, but I’ve gotten a lot better at that. When I’ve had issues recently with people I have asked them if we can sit down and talk about them in hopes of finding a resolution, because I didn’t want our relationship to end on a bad note. I try not to think badly of others regardless of what happens and I don’t want them to think that I think badly of them. I believe in karma and I don’t want to bring bad karma upon myself or upon others and start a nasty cycle of dismissing others without trying to understand them, and then because we did not give them a chance to make amends, we now think badly of them. I have learned to just let go when someone stops serving me and being good for my life. When I have asked people if we can discuss our issues, they have often declined, which I find disappointing because I will never be able to really understand where they were coming from because they shut off those lines of communication. A lot of understanding and growth probably could have happened and I possibly could have stayed friends with those people had put in work into repairing the relationship. They allowed themselves to be dominated by fear and shame for the way that they had acted and they did not want to come to terms with that by facing me and maybe having to apologize, although I was ready to do this. At the point of their rejection to work things out, all I could do is step back from the situation and let it go.  I did what I could do and I didn’t have any other role in changing the outcome of the situation. Attachment only leads to suffering.

My idea of conflict is changing in a way. I still don’t welcome it and or like it, as it often leads to people thinking badly of others after it ends, which I do not like to do. This is just holding onto the past anyways, and I am becoming better at letting it go. Sometimes I feel so different from others that I like to stay in my own little realm; however, I am a social justice activist and I spend a good amount of my time interacting with others and spreading information that I find on important topics. We live in a very oppressive and nasty world and we need to face that. Our job is to create change, especially if we are in a place of privilege. I have faced a lot of conflict over that, over the fact that I am honest and I will call people out and hold them accountable. Nothing is going to change if I don’t speak up and use my privilege for good; otherwise I’m just another complicit white person in this oppressive system. People don’t like that. People don’t like someone speaking up or challenging their beliefs. I consider myself a skeptic and have questioned literally everything around me since I was a child. I am a very analytical person and people don’t like that because they just would rather have me be quiet and accept what they say and go with the flow. I thought I had a character flaw before because I’m not always a go-with-the-flow type of person, but I’ve realized how much of a good thing that is, and it speaks to my integrity. I won’t sit back, chill, and let important things roll off my back, especially pertaining to social justice issues. It’s not okay to sit back and let problematic behavior slide, because that makes us a part of the problem. If you’re not actively against oppression, you are passively for it.

This has caused a lot of conflict in my life because people don’t want to hear my honesty or admit that they’ve done something problematic. I have come to terms with the fact that in high school and all through growing up I was not very conscious about social justice issues and thought I was. I didn’t hate anyone, but I know I said some problematic things and I didn’t realize at the time because I wasn’t educated enough. I take full responsibility for any of the harm that I have caused, even to this day, because I’m still learning. People don’t want to admit that they’re learning or that they don’t know things or that they have done things wrong. That causes conflict because I hold people accountable and call people out, especially online, and I don’t think maintaining relationships is worth letting someone continue to be problematic. I will lose relationships over calling people out and I think that is what more privileged people need to be willing to do, is to sacrifice their personal comfort level and relationships with shitty people for what is right. I’m okay with that because I’d rather have quality in friendship than quantity. However, I am still human and am deeply affected emotionally by being out in the world and having to interact with others that are not as conscious as I am and don’t care as much as I do.  I have this internal conflict where I wonder if I should speak up because I know when I speak up I am interpreted as a know-it-all or someone that is negative and calling everyone out. I try to do it in a really positive way and not by shaming people, but people can’t handle you challenging their worldview. When you try to challenge anything anyone thinks, they become very defensive. People try to argue with me all the time on social media, even people that have similar progressive views as I, over various things that have nothing to do with social justice and they try to push their opinion on me. If I’m posting something that’s my opinion and it has nothing to do with being oppressive, I don’t think anyone has a right to come onto my page and argue with me. Friendly conversations and debate are welcome and I love these, but people just want to argue on social media and want their opinion to be widely accepted and that’s not okay. That’s not accurate; that’s not the real world. Your opinion is not right. When the lines between opinion and fact are blurred, it becomes a very dangerous society for the truth.

I’m just exhausted, especially from social media where people are always up in arms. I am always up in arms because I’m always fighting for some cause, but it’s in a different way. Nothing I fight for is about me- it’s about oppressed groups. It is a waste of energy and a waste of time to fight with people with completely opposite opinions of ours. It is more sensible to be an activist and promote information on a widespread scale and to the people that are more sympathetic, “the low-hanging fruit,” because there’s a higher chance that they will change. I’m not saying we shouldn’t talk to those with opposing views, but we shouldn’t put all of our energy into fighting with them, and I personally have had to not engage with others when I determine my energy is not worth being spent in that. It takes a balance of figuring out how much conflict is worth it, but also what kind of conflict is worth it. Often people just want to argue to argue and have no intention of trying to understand you or question their viewpoint, and these are the times where I choose to not engage. Conflict should be done in a productive way, with the intention of learning, to be worth the emotional labor.

I’ve had conflicts my whole life and am not ashamed of it, despite what others think of my personality. Being fiery and passionate and defending others is just who I am and that often perturbs others. I think it’s because I’m fighting for something that’s beyond myself and people can’t handle that. People also just don’t like being questioned and I question everything and am not afraid to speak my mind and that makes people uncomfortable. If we all lived in a comfortable society, nothing would change, so we all need to be less comfortable and able to take criticism of our opinions and our worldview. We need to have difficult conversations because that’s where change happens. I’m tired of trying to balance between biting my tongue and being vocal, because when I am vocal relationships are strained and then people don’t want to work it out. Sometimes it really affects my life, but when I think about the reason I am the way I am, I’m okay with it because it is for others and trying to make the best world I possibly can with my time on earth before I die. That’s what matters and makes this all worth it. My priorities are not having friends, being liked, or my identity being something people adore. I have accepted that my unapologetic, truth-seeking, activist life will consistently make people uncomfortable. It’s the impact I have that matters so if I have to piss people off along the way, that’s okay because I’m confident in my path and purpose and fighting for what’s right– which is not making people comfortable.

I am saying all this because lately I have felt like no one truly listens to the things I have to say. I tell others about social justice issues and my words fall on apathetic ears. I lose hope in humanity. I want to isolate myself and avoid ever being disappointed, hurt, or hated by another human again, but I know this isn’t a solution. Making my work on this earth and my life about “me” is not my goal, so I must learn to withstand emotional hardship to be a change agent. I must suck it up and keep on my beautiful journey, confident that I am using my life for a divine purpose. I will continue to have conflict my whole life I am sure, as most people do, and I will not live my life in a way to avoid it at risk of losing my voice and authenticity. I am not a mean-spirited person and I am working to make sure I present my message in the way that resonates best with each person I talk with, but I will not leave that message out of my mouth for their comfort. I would rather share information with the chance of making someone more conscious of their place in this world, than spare a possibly uncomfortable moment for them by not telling them important information. It is not my job to force others to be conscious, but my job is to share the information I know with other privileged folks in hope that they will do better, and eventually share the information they know. So I am not afraid of conflict. I am okay with not being liked by many because the way I live my life forces them to face some things they would rather not face. I am okay with making people angry and defensive because they finally start to recognize their problematic behavior. I will not let problematic actions go unaddressed, and I will admit recently I have lost my voice and stopped addressing certain things in person because of how exhausted I am mentally. I know this is wrong. Social progress isn’t made without sacrifice and especially as a white person, I have no right to spare my own inconvenience or try to keep my relationships intact if it means letting the cycle of oppression continue. It is my job to disrupt it everytime I can, and because many people lack social justice education and general awareness, yes, even well-meaning white people, I know I will be met with very negative reactions most of the time and people will take my criticism personally. It is my job to find a way to address them kindly so that they do not shut down and lose that opportunity to change themselves for the better. However, it is all of our jobs to not take things personally, to own up to our actions, and to constantly question everything ourselves and delve deeper into the consequences of our actions and continuously change them to have a better impact. That is something very, very few people do, and I am not sure how impactful of a conversation would have to happen to convince them to live like that, but the least I can do is share information and allow the person to explore it themselves deeper.

I must keep my energy and my motivation to fight oppression; I must not make this fight about me and how it wears down my soul daily to see and feel everything around me so deeply, to be surrounded by problematic actions and apathetic people and feel like there is just too much for me to really address it all. This is something I must continue to work on and navigate, as I consider what is worth my time and energy, and who is most likely to be receptive to my words and actually change. But I must continue on my path regardless of the conflict and difficulties I have on my way, because none of them could ever compare to living under the crushing weight of oppression, like the folks I advocate for. Conflict is necessary in activism, and in life. I know people who refuse to talk politics because they don’t want to have conflict or lose friends over it, and I find this disturbing because today our political landscape is a question of morals. If someone won’t vocalize that they are against Trump and against putting immigrant babies into cages, they are silently showing support for it. We must take stances when it comes to moral issues, and if that means losing friends who stand for immoral things, then that’s not even a loss in the first place. I do not associate with anyone who stands on the wrong side of history. I do not separate a person’s morals and their personality, because the only thing that really matters about us being alive is the impact we leave behind, by choosing what side of history we will stand on. Who people claim to be means nothing if they do not prove that they are forward-thinking and support and advocate for social justice. I do not separate people and politics, because politics is everything for people- it is the difference between life and death for people of color in this country, undocumented immigrants, queer folks, and all other oppressed groups.

We have a personal responsibility to use the platforms we all have to support social justice, especially by using whatever privileges we hold-indeed, this is the only way we can use our privilege for good. Too many people use their social media to inflate their ego, and live their life to receive praise, carefully avoiding pissing anyone off. This is a huge disservice to the world. We need people to be angry when they are forced to face their problematic behavior. We need to hold everyone accountable for their actions. We need to be unapologetically vocal about where we stand in social justice issues. Our silence is consent to violence. We all have a role in dismantling oppression and other societal ills, and we all must take this very seriously and use every day of our lives to work towards this purpose. I don’t shy away from conflict because I am so confident in my role in this that I do not care about protecting myself from negative reactions; I only care about living my life with integrity and for the benefit of others and a better future for society. If more people framed their thinking this way, I think we would have a lot more activists fighting oppression. We would have less apology, less apathy, and more awareness. We could have difficult conversations, and might even become accustomed to doing so in order to bring about change. We would not minimize ourselves or our lives to keep others comfortable, because we would recognize how our actions and words are everything in our ability to create change, and growth only happens outside of our comfort zone. We must be willing to sacrifice everything to fight for those who didn’t have a choice in being oppressed, and I know most people will not devote their lives to activism, but we should all be willing to sacrifice comfort and personal relationships to stand for what is right.

Wherever I go, conflict follows. I don’t purposefully cause conflict, drama, or spread negativity, but that is often how I am perceived simply because I stand for the truth and refuse to do anything less. My mom always told me growing up when I asked why other kids didn’t like me that it was because I was confident and sure of myself, which made them feel lash out because they were not confident in themselves. This always was reassuring to me, since I realized I could not do anything to change this, and it was the responsibility of those around me to question why they really disliked me- was it a me thing, or something on them. To this day, this describes a good amount of the interactions I have with others, with the additional factor of me being a social justice activist, which automatically makes people feel insecure and manifest those feelings as dislike for me, who is only passing along information I have learned. Besides being more conscious, my demeanor hasn’t changed. I am and always have been unapologetic. Sure of myself, but not attached to anything about my identity. Always willing to change myself to be less problematic. Always on the side of the truth. I was born to be a change agent, and I can’t do that by avoiding conflict. I have to live out my values every single day, despite what disapproval I receive from others. I have to prioritize truth and change over making my life easy and convenient. I have to hold myself, and everyone around me accountable for their impact. And if conflict is inevitable in this, I rest assured knowing that if my message resonates with even just one person, it has all been worth it.