Ellipses

It’s the same as my childhood

My face is wetness

I’m curling my body into positions that won’t feel very good later but I’m convincing myself this is what I need right now

Everyone I’ve ever loved is gone and there is no one here to dry my tears and pat my back

I sometimes wonder how far I’m willing to go for a little love. Or something disguised as it.

I’ve fallen for it a lot.

It’s not something I’m good at

Discerning what it really is from what I convince myself it is

I’ll never really know because most of my stories don’t have a proper ending

They trail off like ellipses

I curl my body tighter

I can crack every bone right now but no one would hear it

I could crack every one but the vital one that would kill me

I would do anything to have your fingers trailing it right now

Whispering in my ear how convincingly human I am

Am I convincing?

Am I playing the part right?

I didn’t expect the entire thing to be a tragedy but I’m learning as I go

And I hope I don’t disappoint

I hope you didn’t realize I’m nothing you were hoping for

I’m much less and much more in the ways that perplex the both of us

I’ve never met a bundle of thread like myself

Have you?

Have you ever met anyone like me?

Do you remember the first time we met?

I do.

I dropped everything to be exactly in that moment, where I thought- this might actually turn out okay

This might not be a total disaster

And it wasn’t

It was so perfect in ways I could’ve never expected because I had no expectations

And maybe that’s my problem now

I’m choking on my own gut wrenching idea of how things should be

But I’m lost and confessing and begging for a sign I’m doing the right thing

I never said I was good,

I only showed you I was trying.

Trying to lean into our love just a few inches more

Enough to satisfy but not enough to unravel

I’ve always been stuck in some unfinished painting

But I want you to burn everything

All the nights I laid in this exact room

I wished for an airplane to crash through the roof and crush me

Now I wish for one to rescue me

Now I wish I could wave my hands and yell “HELP!” And someone would come and I could tell them I’ve been doing this for days and weeks and months and years, probably.

That I’ve never stopped living in panic and disaster. And my ship has wrecked centuries ago, but I never made it out alive actually. What you’re seeing is a corpse. What you’re hearing is the voice of someone who cut their body in half a long time ago. Someone who wished the final ending had just come already.

Instead of waiting around and wanting and wishing I should have been in the forest dancing alone or with you. I can’t decide if I wish I never met you. I don’t want to regret anything but it’s eternal torture to never know if this is our future

I’m always choking on words and tears and ideas

There’s composure at times but that’s my illusion. Being alive is my illusion. I don’t know what to do with this body.

I’m holding it captive for now, in this bed, which is really just a mattress on the floor, which is really just some fabric on some wood, which is really just some of the earth sitting on top of more of the earth. Which is really just a blue and green sphere, like I drew it as a kid. Before I knew the millions of shades of venom in the universe. I only used two colors. That’s all I needed. It’s been lifetimes since things were that simple but I’m still hoping to one day hear a heartbeat and just be thankful there is life in this body.