public decency

What the fuck is public decency

You haven’t given me your time. Your contact of eyes

You have left me untouched, unbrushed, no single piece of you has transferred to me

Why do you believe a human existence is something to take for granted?

Why do you want to me to be silent, and not bother you, and not provoke anything inside of you

And not stir anything in humanity?

My precise obligation is to make you uncomfortable in thought

I bleed to remind you how it is to be truly raw and unapologetic

If you don’t welcome me I will thrive on my own without a single soul to steal my shine

A candle burning with a single light not relying on anyone else to provide me my spine

Without you I am better without you I am lighter without the weight of your emptiness

You are one of those hollow shells of humans that breathe simply because your brain tells you to

You have no idea why you’re alive

You have no idea what it’s like to be me and reach for more

We don’t connect on anything, you drink alcohol like water and build your nights around your lack of self-control

Meanwhile I just peaked.

Meanwhile I just reached somewhere you will never see because you’re too numb to understand me.

I can’t get through to you; you are nothing to me.

Retreat to the void in your heart, and go tell yourself how you’re complete.

Advertisements

breaking in half // sustaining this flame

When I think of you I break in half because you are not here to share the minutes and hours

You are not here to share the seconds between moments, where the indescribable happens

You are not here to share this bed and frame my head with yours

In your absence, I feel no touch, no kiss, no embrace to which I surrender

Nothing enchants me quite like these memories, I hold in my cerebrum like the antidote to all pain

Our passing moments, each day the ones I have forsaken to leave you crumble me into pieces

I struggle believing I could go on this way forever, in your absence

Missing your real-time emotions and laughter and energy and vibrancy

You are a light that feeds my soul, nothing compares to your hand I can hold

Nothing can replace your body, our love in a space and a time that is defined

Nothing can erase the heart palpitations the image of your presence brings

Sustaining this flame, I wait until I have my soul in full form again.

In my element

There’s something I call, in my element.

Comfortable, calm, confident.

Cool with every curve and corner I find of myself.

Moving from an intrinsic type of motivation and not extrinsic validation

Moving from, I feel my muscles and my fat and I am okay with that

Moving from, something deep is satisfied when I care for myself in this way

Caring for myself like no one else can because there isn’t a fortune teller that could dictate my mental health

That could tell me I have reached my own threshold, and I should surrender to human sacrifice

Sacrificing that which does me no good for the difficult good I know I must need

That I know I must deserve something I feel for myself

Insulating myself from the misunderstandings of others and accepting myself for every uncommon intricacy I hold

For every contradictory measure I take to incubate my nervous system from the harsh outside conditions

The strength I embody just by merely existing in this world, and in such a fiery language

I believe in the underlying beauty of all things, disconnected and then reconnected when the time is right

Everything must run its course including my sense of attachment to this world, imperfect it may be, wavering it may be, it always returns to me

Like a cold knife in my chest, like a rush of adrenaline, like a drug, like a force I can’t ignore, it is my belonging despite how much I have resisted and excluded myself,

A ribbon reaches out and wraps around my foot, pulling me in. assuring me, you are one. You couldn’t separate yourself enough to lose the rest of us, the best of us take their time to settle down through their sit bones and you have done so. You have found your way to the light. Now embody it.

 

How blessed I am, I cannot begin to comprehend

My life outstretched in front of me, I decided to extend my arms longer although I thought my arms had made up their mind. No farther.

I hijacked my body for hundreds of miles, although each fiber conspired to remain.

I lost everything that ever meant anything to me and found my meaning in having none of it.

I laughed at how painful it was to keep moving, and moving, and abandoning the world I had claimed previously.

Realizing, the world is not mine to claim.

I am simply its pawn.

It has claimed me and assigned me to this mission.

So if you love me, let me go far-

Let me go tell the others the heaven that awaits them

When they take that next step, and

Grasp their chance at living.

20170712_150403.jpg

finding my words // keeping them safe

I never ever ever want children. // I would have your children.

Thank you for humanely removing bugs from my room. // he called it “his room.”

He mentioned our honeymoon. // how many times can we talk about the future until it is upon us?

Pain is leaving your side. // strength is allowing myself to break each time.

I’m not vulnerable. // I cried during sex. // tears of joy // when will you show me your tears?

You called it the best day of your life. // all I did was come home.

I apologize for leaving so often. // wandering hurts when you’re in love. // a tether to home

How can we survive this? // hard times ahead // that has never caused fear before

You swept me off the ground // lifted me to the heavens // kissed me like it was the first night

The moment stole my words // nothing so perfect as our silent bliss // can we freeze time?

Wrapped myself around your body // refused to let go // every laugh is like the first // you // out of anyone fill me with life // there is nothing without you // I can’t call you anything else /

I will never get a tattoo. // I would get matching ink with you.

I teach you various languages and you pick up certain phrases // media naranja // my half orange //

I searched the galaxy and came up empty // lost in your eyes // I knew it // my soul- mate

Dream House

What do you have to say for this love we built like sand castles

For the way you let my legs drape over your shoulders so that I could use our combined height

To create our dream house

For the way you stood on your tip toes and stretched your arms longer than I have ever witnessed

To build our dream house

For all of the wind and the weather and the waves we ignored to keep building and building, building

To create our dream house

What do you have to say for the fact that we chose a beach and we chose sand

To build our dream house

What do you have to say for the fact that we chose the water but we live in Michigan where it’s cold

What do you have to say for the fact that we took our separate dreams and amputated them from our bodies

To birth our dream house

What do you have to say for the fact that we let these limbs wash away

To create this dream house

What do you have to say- what do you think- what do you think about the separate realities we have attempted to merge

What do you have to say for the fact that I was building a sandy ranch on the beach and you wanted floors, and floors, you wanted a palace

What do you think about the fact that we were both working on the same house but a different dream

What do you have to say about the names I wrote in the sand, how I perfectly merged our names

How nothing ever really stays

in sand- it either blows away, or is crushed, or washes away

What do you have to say. What do you think about the fact that we have not washed away

But the floors of this dream house keep collapsing

Each gust of wind is like a spell against us

To build this dream house

What do you have to say of all the sand covered spells we cast on each other with eyes and tongues

What do you have to say of all the sand covered love we have shared in the sun

When the winter we live in has crept up slowly on our backs

And the tingle on my spine has a name written in the sand but it washed away with ours

And what do you have to say. What do you have to dream about anymore?

Now that the water has come and gone are the walls and the floors and every imaginary door

Of our dream house

sandcastle

 

Unraveling

You came to me in a dream

I saw a light and followed it like a moth without a reason

Other than it’s light. And this might

Be the sun from which I radiate

I unraveled my skin and bones to let you in

But you quickly realized blood is thicker than water

And you can’t even swim

And within this likelihood of finding hope and finding home

I lost my voice by failing to scream when I needed to the most

There are objects that felt my rage passion and desire stronger than you did.

Now my dreams are flooded with other men.

I wake up in a sweat and cry in the darkness.

No one really knows how much I am-

Unraveling

Unraveling

Unraveling

For you. To give myself to the light and not the moon. To tell myself that constellations connect stars that are millions of miles apart and there is a reason I was drawn to you. Even if I forgot it.

And there’s a reason for everything right?

And why do I feel like this, why do I charge myself with crimes I didn’t commit why am I not committed

How does one be committed

How do I keep a promise I never made?

To you. Because truly it’s true I made every single promise to me and not you because I am just that incredibly unsure of my words when I am around you. and I hold them in until I am away and can let my mind run free and play and proclaim myself a sunflower, a shining star in the night sky on her own, in her own poetry, in her own galaxy, in her own darkness. Lost in her own darkness.

And I am sorry if I didn’t spin on my head for you or turn the world upside down.

Magic does not come from me when I am numb, you took my words from me and escape was the only method of liberation. With you I feel tied down like you are my only obligation. Like I cannot even fall off the face of the earth without dealing with some sort of repercussion. Because there is a whole branch of you that is me, and to me you are leaves.

And I am devoid of hope and there isn’t a fire in me now because I tried to clear my mind out to love you. I folded in my limbs and made myself compact so if you ran me over I wouldn’t be crushed, I could still walk again. Remember I gave my spine to you. there is nothing to break. Don’t try there’s no use

And is it wrong to say I could never protect you?

And if there was a bullet I wouldn’t let you

Save me. There is no saving a woman who is her own hero, her own lifeblood, who breathes fire, and can expand and contract herself when needed. I contracted myself but you never see it

Your eyes are pointed downwards and you are encumbered with yourself. I am a world to you, but I am not your world. Love comes in waves, but is no ocean. When I found the source I thought it was never-ending, but it really was just accumulation from a storm. There isn’t enough clean drinking water for all of us

Each day I bend my back over to look at the world, burn holes in my eyes to withstand the collective pain of humanity. I ache for others, and repair myself-

You ache for yourself and I will never be able to accept your lack of investment in the living of others. I carry their weight on my back.

But I do not want to carry yours much longer. I am weary from the long winding road and I have much time ahead.

This vision had prospects but lost itself midway. Neither of us wanted to get wet we just dipped our toes in and I wanted to be fearless but I don’t think that you are ready to release yourself like I have

You cling to your bones like your name is engraved in them

I lost my skin years ago

Comfort

Comfort?

What is comfort?

I do not speak of comfort.

I am not well versed in the language of death.

I am alive-living.

More than a shell, very well beyond a shell.

Comfort reeks to me.

I can smell it a mile away.

I see you dragging your bones along like you don’t have a life to live any more.

I see you letting your body be a tomb.

I know I cannot do this. I can never ever do this.

I can revolt.

I can do what I can to touch the heavens, even if it means forever walking on my tip-toes.

I can keep my own universe, my own mountains, and plains, and rivers, and valleys.

I can run without interruption, escape the soul-crushers, and ascend.

our peace

Who is fighting for peace anymore?

Making love in the early morning

Is an act of resistance,

I have decided

Loving you is the better path

I have found solace in surrender.

I melt over you like culinary art

Letting your softness smoothen my rough edges

Releasing my fists from their violence

From another day of failing to comprehend

The incessant killing of the innocent.

How can I disrupt the torture?

All I know is the release of tension

From my face and your touch.

Don’t let me lose you in the chaos.

Just twist your arms around my waist

Pulling me in, exhaling, breathing.

For once, humanity is easy.

p

The Creation of Adam, Michelangelo

 

Atlantis

Nothing makes sense

In my daydreams clouds are pink and the grass sways like water

Only, this is real life

In my dreams I am awake, breathing, and alive

I am striding across a territory that is not mine, and never has been

It is not my ancestors’, nor their ancestors

I am walking, waking, over my head, deep

I am wading in all that is possibility

Built upon the atrocities of the dreamers before me

The dreamers who were cut like beanstalks from the sky

Cut down, drowned out,hushed, unwritten

Who will tell their story?

Better yet, if they tell their story, bare their bones, unveil the remnants of a civilization-

Who will listen?

When I remember I stop and drop my ear to the earth and listen to the rock and roll of the earth on its axis

Muffled chanting mistaken for party music. Thievery mistaken for livelihood.

Everyone who has entitled themselves to this land has poisoned it, and for that we are guilty of not only genocide- but suicide.

You took everything. There is nothing left to make of this blue planet.

There is nothing green.

Only the sea, that washes me away in no time- reducing me to the minor, insignificant microorganism I am, shooing me, discarding me, replacing me, and erasing me.

I have never existed in a world the way it was supposed to be.

I uncover what I can in the lost world of the sea, Atlantis- moaning to be released, crying, and screeching at my feet.

Drowned, I am lost. I am nothing compared to what was here before me.

a73d04341ad9de3561a8cfb0c5f74571